The Addams Family (2019)

Ashia R:

It’s a spooooky* #FamilyMovieNight! Follow along as we make snide comments and be overall killjoys!

*Have you noticed a bazillion percent increase in references to ‘spooky’ season lately? It’s like we’re all just desperate to think of anything outside of the election, racism, and pandemic.

I really, REALLY want to watch the 90’s Addams family movie with Q (I dressed as Wednesday Addams for like 5 months when it came out) but R2 is still a little too young.

Also Hocus Pocus. I CANNOT WAIT until they are old enough to sit through that.

Rebekah L.: same!!

Ashia R. Okay so – wedding. Gomez is retaining his mestizo complexion and vaguely Spanish accent, but now he’s a bit chunky. Which I LOVE.

The Jersey joke made Nathan laugh.

Monica R. he’s dead to me. (Again )

Ashia R. well I was gonna tag you but then I was like ‘but does Monica want people to KNOW she’s from Jersey?’

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[Gif: Jersey shore fist pump. I believe this was the ‘shitty boyfriend’ and ’the bright one’]

Monica R. doubling down?!

Ashia R. Poor Jersey always gets picked on. But at least we can all agree Massachusetts is also horrible and full of stuck up fart sniffers.

Monica R.

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Ashia R.

[gif: Oh what’s her name… Thunda Grunberg? Saying ‘HOW DARE YOU’]

So I’m sure the details are problematic. BUT – the Addams family seems kind of revolutionary in anti-sanism. Just accepting folks’ peculiarities, quirks, and mental conditions. With joy

Like they are a legit super loving and accepting family. That’s what I always loved about the 90’s version.

Like Lurch just fell out of the sky or whatever, clearly recently escaped from an asylum, and they’re like ‘cool, come with me.’

Oh nice they resolved the confusion – how does Thing see? He’s got an eye watch now!

I just love how expertly bad-ass Wednesday is.

Okay so now Pusgsley is bombing his dad, and both kids are LOVING IT

There’s something just so silly and over-the-top about the violence and the way it’s handled in these that kind of make it okay?

(I think it’s the lack of suffering.)

Like I can take Kill-Bill-style gore, but once someone suffers, I just can’t take it

So now we’re discussing sparring – and how it’s clear that the family members here have consented to battle.

This is turning out to be nicely validating for pandemic life. Wednesday and Pugsley aren’t allowed out off the grounds

HAH, there’s a great joke about McMansion neighborhoods – this particular one called ‘Assimilation.’

My dad moved to one of those with his teen wife. It was really hard to find his house cause they all looked the same and were just unnecessarily enormous.

Who needs two staircases!? (So using the fancy one can be forbidden!) Seriously, I wasn’t allowed to use a staircase. Because I might… I dunno wear it down with my besocked feet?

This guy put his fist through a window when we asked for an advance on child support but he had a chandelier that cost more than a year of my school tuition.

I like that Pugsley is blonde. Blonde kids deserve to be gothy too.

I feel like the 90’s Addams siblings were a little less antagonistic toward each other, and more supportive and loving (in a murdery sort of way).

Okay so every movie has at least one excruciating sound effect. And I always forget to prepare myself and bring earmuffs

And now HERE IS A BALLOON.

Y’know my Very Young Step Mom who lived in Assimilation with my dad actually had this TV host’s hairdo!

Maybe a little less Hedwig and the Angry Inch and more Horse Girl From Connecticut.

So the Addams are touring Assimilation and everyone is cringing and backing up. But honestly though they don’t look that weird to me?

Oh okay the disembodied hand seems like it might be…a new thing.

Mmmmkay so… The Addams refer to the place they ran from as ’the old country,’ and now these new Assimilation citizens are the new folks on the block. I am…nervous about the message about immigration and colonization?

This thing is moving too fast. Why are movies so fast now? A spooky movie needs good pacing, otherwise I run out of breath.

I like that the TV renovation host isn’t deterred or even disturbed by the creepiness.

Oh no it turns out it wasn’t the balloons that made a horrible sound. They hid it in the cork of a wine cask. AAAAHHH and a rope swing. This movie is just full of agonizing squeaks.

Who just wanders around spray-painting a house? TO THE IRON MAIDEN!!

Speaking of practicing lurking – that’s a normal thing, right? Cause Q started it recently. He lurks around the house, trying to spook people. But he’s SO FUCKING LOUD. So at least right now, he’s kind of failing miserably at it.

Seriously this movie is going so fast – I’m having a hard time following it. The pacing is like all the voice actors did the scenes and then they cut all the breathing-in parts and sped it all up by 1.5x.

Usually in movies there are a few seconds of silence so the kids can ask questions and we can explain something. But it’s like NON-STOP dialogue.

At most you get a second for explosions but they are super-speedy split second sounds and immediately end and someone is already talking before you have a chance to think about what just happened. 

:::pants:::

So in the original Addams Family TV show, there was this subtlety and ambiguity. Are they dead? Are they just weird? And it kind of puts you into this weird space of uncertainty that’s kind of delicious. 

But these folks are all actively and clearly exploding each other and stabbing each other and it lacks the charm of being unsure. These are clearly non-human monsters/ghouls, which makes it way less interesting

Okay I get that Wednesday is a teenager being influenced by her new friends, but I always loved that Wednesday was completely unfazed by the judgment of her peers. And now she’s just kind of like a regular kid? Meh.

Morticia also seems way less self-confident and serene. This Morticia is kind of controlling and micromanaging. And Uncle Fester just kinda wanders around the halls with a lightbulb in his mouth? Not like – as a fun party trick, it’s like a chewy stim he carries around? What?

Feels like they’re racing to reference all the old jokes without explaining to viewers new to the franchise why it’s interesting or funny.

Guestlist of Addams Family visitors:

• Lady with a bush on her head
• Guy wearing half an onion as a helmet
• Guy with a fever
• Grouchy lady

Where’s the creativity?! The Addams Family Red Carpet Reveal is always a joyous gala of creeps and ghouls and this is just a set of eccentric normals with uncreative accessories.

More guests: 

• Lady with facial hair (ugh)
• Fat woman (ugggghh)
• Cousin It, who looks more like a shitzu than a weirdo

In the background: 

• A guy with a hunchback (sigh)
• An older woman (ffs)

Seriously, these are just regular people!!!

• Woman without a bra

Cousin it has arms and hands. Which makes it way less fun. Wasn’t his lack of limbs his whole mystique?!

• malnourished vegetarian-looking lady

Okay at some point this just turned into a basic block party.

• Old timey airline pilot
• Woman with a turtleneck

This is so disappointing.

Okay – back to the plot. No twist. The climax and conflict was exactly what we’d expect.

And at some point offscreen Fester and the villain fall in love. Which like, sure? But they don’t explain it?

They took out the charm and glee of the 20th century Addams, sped it up, hollowed the characters into empty husks and dumped out a quick filler movie. 

I mean they didn’t DESTROY it, but this is like when really cool parents have kind of underwhelming grandbabies. And you’re like… that’s it? This is how your legacy fizzles?

Meh.