Despicable Me 2

Ashia R.

Hey friends! It’s R2’s pick for Family Movie Night, and he’s chosen the sequel to last week – Despicable Me 2. 

Follow along as we either enjoy this movie or start uncontrollably cringing. I could see this swinging either way.

R2 paid FOUR DOLLARS out of his allowance for this. Kid is THROWING money around and it’s making me wonder if we should be charging him rent if he’s this flush.

So here we are at the start of the movie – in a top secret research laboratory at the arctic circle!

And oh no! A giant magnet arrives to steal…apparently everything? Apparently everything here is made of ferrous metal.

Which seems…like a weird choice for an arctic lab? You’d think a top secret facility would have more insulated materials and space age polymers or whatever.

Oh this is perfect. One of the manic pixie dream orphans is suited up in a nose-to-toe black outfit topped with a bright pink hat and that is LITERALLY, exactly(!) what Q wears at least half the week. Welp, I guess we’ve got our Halloween costumes covered this year!

(2022 Update: Every day. He wears this exact outfit every single day. Dude’s closet is a void of darkness with pops of hot pink, 1986 nightclub style.)

Gru is CRUSHING IT in the dad department. He’s got a fully loaded birthday party setup, AND is manning the grill.

Talk about unrealistically high expectations for single parents!

I planned a tiny backyard party last weekend. After the pizzas arrived, I just kind of collapsed into a lawn chair until dark.

Hmm. They had a kinda-fat joke where a little girl asked Gru (while dressed as a fairy princess) why he’s so fat. But it wasn’t that bad? Because he shamelessly disclosed being an emotional eater and that is realistic?

BUT then they almost immediately segue into a neighbor trying to set him up with what is clearly a character designed to be ‘ugly’ and we’re supposed to find that funny.

(But it’s not funny.)

Oh I got distracted and I’m not sure what’s happening – but now there’s a leggy redhead trying to stuff Gru into a car trunk.

Leggy redhead is clearly on assignment, and she’s working in strappy stiletto sandals without breaking a sweat.

(I wore short sandals to a wedding once and it took me a week to recover. I am intimidated.)

So Lucy Wilde (our leggy redhead)-  I guess she kidnapped Gru to bring him to the AVL, a secret agent league who captures big-time baddies. 

They need Gru’s help to stop…someone from using a terrible serum that turns bunnies into monsters.

Yeah this seems like your typical post-birthday party challenge. Take out the garbage, make sure everybody’s tupperware has been returned, and search for a Villainous Chemist Who Hurts Innocent Animals.

Oh! Our first flashback! Gru’s early childhood development was stunted by being rejected by a cute girl at the school yard.

Controversial! This could be fine. Or this could be an incel origin story. Let’s find out!

Now that Gru has retired from villainy, he’s in the Jams & Jellies business. Very helpful to have all these unpaid minions to manage it for him.

But oh no! His loyal CTO, Dr. Nefario is quitting because he wants to stay in the baddie business. Some minions are inconsolable.

And now, some shady character is kidnapping minions!

Already this movie has a better soundtrack and more minions than in the last movie. We’re heading into the rare territory of movies where the sequel is better.

Oh! One of the minions is named ‘Dave’ and he’s infatuated with secret agent Wilde after she just smooshed his cupcake.

Is that how you get people to like you? Smoosh their cupcakes?

Actually that sounds like a euphemism. So maybe.

I guess we’re running into old friends now. El Macho, the most macho dude who died by riding a shark into a volcano, runs a mall restaurant now.

The timeline of this movie and scene-to-scene transitions are all over the place, but catch up: Now Gru is helping his kiddo work on a mothers day poem. 

Work life balance! Jams & Jellies, homework time, catching up with friends – He’s the dad who has it all! Setting unreasonable Hollywood expectations for Parent Villains everywhere.

Back to this mothers day poem. This seems really cruel for her teacher to make her do? Her mom is not in the picture. We don’t know what happened to her mom! This child has trauma!

OMG Gru can just call in minions to babysit for him at a minute’s notice and I AM SO JEALOUS. This is like when I read books about time management by rich white moms with passive incomes. It’s an experience of shame, frustration, and rage.

Clearly the PROBLEM IS ME. I am in the wrong line of work. I should have gotten into villainy. Or Jams and Jellies. Why didn’t a horde of minions fall into MY lap before I became a parent?!

But oh no! Again a shady mysterious thing is stealing minions! I had forgotten about that. So many things going on in this story! It’s rich with plot! Swarming with characters! Infested with scenes! 

In a heist-reconnaissance mission, Gru and Lucy Wilde are attacked by a guard chicken while infiltrating The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-El-Macho‘s restaurant.

Checking… okay, let’s see. El Macho the luchadoresque-villain is *not* voiced by a Mexican actor, but by a Peruvian one. Is Latinx close enough for this not to be problematic? I genuinely don’t know!

Meanwhile a nefarious ice cream truck is hoovering up spare minions. Inescapable!

So the littlest manic pixie dream orphan falls instantly in love with Lucy as a potential mother.

But honestly Gru is a super duper awesome single dad. Does she even NEED a mom?

Enter: Another potential supervillain. A blonde dude in a changshan and fu manchu stache, giving off Yellow Peril vibes. He’s petting a white..wig..pet thing?

I mean I guess…at least he’s voiced by an actual Asian? Still this is… this is not great. When we talked about the default whiteness in Despicable Me and how nice it’d be to get a little more representation, a Peruvian Faux-Luchador Machismo Stereotype and Dr. Yellow Peril Fu were NOT WHAT WE MEANT.

Meanwhile Margo (Gru’s eldest manic pixie dream orphan) has fallen hard for Antonio, who has an accent that sounds suspiciously like El Macho’s.

Ah, and here we are, in el Macho’s restaurant. I WONDER WHOSE SON THIS KID IS.

Gru is going on full misogynistic controlling dad with a shotgun against Antonio.

Except instead of a shotgun it’s an ‘international league of secret agents’ and Gru is hellbent on locking up Antonio and El Macho for… I guess potentially spoiling his daughter’s purity or some gross thing like that?

Is this even a thing real dads do? My dad never met my boyfriends but I feel like any decent grown up adult man would not be threatened by a tween boy.

And also like – if he’s doing a good job raising his daughter, she’d theoretically be a decent judge of character for her crushes?

(HAhah no wait on that last part I have had crushes on so many terrible losers.)

Tricia L: 

Especially when you’re real young and still getting a handle on the “agency in my romantic life” thing. I dated some real doozies before hooking up with Mr. Tricia. Examples: Mr. God-has-taken-away-everything-good-in-my-life-except-you and Sir We-are-dating-so-you-have-to-kiss-me-every-day-whether-you-want-to-or-not.

Ashia R. Oh my gosh did we date the same guys?!

Also: Boyfriend who expected me to pay for everything along with doing his laundry, packing his lunches, shopping for his clothing, repairing all his broken shit, and was super selfish in bed – but he’s ‘nice’ so he’s a catch!

Like ugh no why did we date at all!

Moving on from love live and back to Gru’s – Gru is on a terrible date with a xenophobic body shamer. But not to worry. Lucy is here to…drug her with a dart gun.

Yeah…this seems…not okay. This is a weird ‘gag’…about drugging women on dates?

I mean she was being aggressive and threatening but like…no? No – you can’t just drug women on dates if you don’t like the way they talk?!

So somehow, after drugging this lady, Gru and Lucy bonded. And now Gru is in love.

See Lucy is not like the other girls! She doesn’t go on and on about herself! She’s down to earth! She’s effortlessly thin! She works in stilettos and never complains! She drugs other women when they inconvenience men!

Sigh.

Gru is back to hanging with his minions. Despite the… quantity of minions, which must far exceed Dunbar’s number, gru has an established relationship with each one, he knows everyone’s names and what’s going on in their lives.

Truly, Gru has the gifts of a Great Boss.

(So how then has he not noticed that several of his minions are missing?)

How many of these dudes does he employ? DOES he employ them? How does he pay them? Does he MAKE them?

Oh wow I am falling down a long and bizarre google hole on how minions are born.

Somehow we ended up a Cinco de Mayo party at Macho’s Mexican restaurant. Feels a little off. Lots of disco lights, sombreros, and I think one of the characters just did a Speedy Gonzalez imitation?

El Macho claims he ‘drowns his sorrows in guacamole.’

Wow…. just…wow.

And now Gru is following him into a Maya-temple-themed underground lair, where you have to piano-floor-keyboard the tune to ‘La Cucharacha’ and YEAH I DUNNO ABOUT THIS GUYS. 

YA THINK WE MAY HAVE CROSSED THE LINE INTO PROBLEMATIC AT SOME POINT LONG AGO?

And at this point we’re just stabbing an open wound!?

Oh wow! Dr. Nefario and El Macho have been in cahoots for 90% of this movie! And they have been using the dangerous serum to turn kidnapped minions into an army of indestructible purple destructo-machines!

Oh right also, reminder: SPOILERS

(Very late spoilers.)The evil altered minions have my hair and I am trying not to be insulted.