Hocus Pocus 1993

Della M: I can’t stand this movie… looking forward to reading your comments!

Ashia R: Okay the timeline on this had driven me crazy, but WE HAVE THE INTERNET NOW – 

Omri Katz, the dude who plays ‘Max’ always seemed impossibly aged to me, because I had watched in star in that TV show ‘Eerie, Indiana’ and I had always assumed that it had been filmed in the 80’s due to the terrible film quality of the show

So I was like ‘HOW IS THAT GUY STILL A TEENAGER’

But Eerie, Indiana, was only filmed 1-2 years before this movie.

And I’m glad to find a video clip because that show’s film quality and general style really does track as 1985 low-budget ‘we’re still getting a handle on color photography’

However, I am still perplexed

Because ‘Brainy Boston Dreamgirl’ Alison, who shows a weird interest in our insufferable and arrogant protagonist, is clearly Ali Larter, of Heroes. And only like 3 years younger, despite that TV show happening 13 years later

(except I guess she’s not, somehow)

Today I learned: Apparently Vinessa Shaw is NOT Ali Larter. 

So back to the plot. Colonizer kid gets turned into a cat by fancy witches. and then a bunch of super boring shit happens with an LA douchebag named Max.

And for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON, Allison gives Max her phone number and is like ‘trick or treat.’

(Which is not how trick or treating works.)

Oh i guess it was her giving HIM his phone number back to him, because why would she want that. This makes more sense.

The fact that she seems willing to hang out with him later in the movie, however, does not. Poor Allison is not as smart as her smug smile and cozy red cardigan suggests.

Max gets mugged on the way home for…no reason. Two white boys chillin in a graveyard steal his sneakers.

Laura W.: this is the point where my son (who was 9 at the time) said he wanted to stop watching. He found the bullying to be more painful and scary than the witches.

Ashia R: Which I mean he kind of deserves for desecrating a historical graveyard and riding his bike OVER PEOPLES GRAVES

His muggers are written to be INSUFFERABLE and I guess that makes Max less annoying in contrast

Oh man it’s all coming back. How cringe this kid was. Even at 11 I had deep secondary embarrassment with:

1. Max cuddling his pillow and pretending it was a girl
2. Max’s angsty teen ‘ugh SISTERS’ and picking up some drumsticks… which I guesst is he director’s idea of ‘cool and detached’ to avoid a conversation with his sister

But most of all:

3. Thora Birch’s absolutely TERRIBLE and flat delivery

As an 11-year-old I was PERSONALLY OFFENDED at how bad Birch’s acting was. SURELY there was a better child actor out there!

This sequence of ‘character-building’ scenes for Max and his manic pixie adorable sister was just terribly boring. GET TO THE WITCHES

Before this movie I had never felt secondary embarrassment FOR someone else

But for this ‘heartwarming’ brother and sister sequence I was just writhing in my flippity movie theater chair.

(That didn’t stop me from developing a severe hotness for Max later in the movie, where I assume he must have done something less boring? All I remember was at some point he got very suddenly hot.)

Nathan would like to report an incident of toxic masculinity:  “At least you could die like a man!” says Thora, to her older brother, as he walks away from a gang of insufferable douchebags.

ahahaha Max is crashing Allison’s mansion party and she’s in full aristocratic…fluffery, everyone’s wearing powdered wigs.

My 11yo self was like ‘COORDINATING THIS PARTY MUST HAVE BEEN INSANELY HARD WORK’

Like how did you find that many rich people who could afford powdered wigs and fancy outfits? Or did they invest in them, like Concord-Lexington civil war reenactors? And wear them every year? 

Pr were they so rich they chose a NEW unironic way to celebrate opulent and disgusting wealth to show off how out of touch they were – EVERY? YEAR?

And then Allison is like ‘sure i’ll come with you kids on your boring adventure, let me take off this gorgeous dress and put on a bulky sweater’ and I’m like NOPE NO WAY

You don’t get 1 day a year to look that fancy and pass it up!

(My 11-year-old mind was BLOWN at these decisions)

But now I know real rich people and I could totally see the same folks who manage to get 8 people to coordinate for an 80’s party could easily coordinate this Boston Brahmin colonist party because:

1. They have waaaay too much money and
2. all these folks are clearly direct descendants of the original settlers and

2b. have built massive wealth off exploiting folks and

2c. They clearly inherited these outfits from their grandparents and are always looking for opportunities to relive the glory days.

This Allison character never made any sense to me. But NOW I GET IT.

‘This is the girl of my dreams’ Max says

(Allison has said like 10 words this whole movie, but she’s got 90’s Delia’s catalog hair, so I get it)

Shannon B.S.: <snort> That was definitely a specific look.

Ashia: And she’s gorgeous and wealthy and oddly okay with hanging out with Max the arrogant limp gym sock.

With some distance and age, I now realize that’s because Allison the character is written by some dude who created her just to be…I dunno, probably saved at some point in the movie, but also just to be something fuckable for Max to enjoy

So Max, his Plucky Little Sister, and his Smart Affable New England Dream Girl break into a historical museum, (because they are jerks with no sense of respect)

And Max is like “let’s light a historically protected magic candle to revive evil witches because HAHA MAGIC ISN’T REAL.” and I guess this is how he proves he’s ‘cool’

His sister is scared. But he’s doing it anyway. Because he’s an asshole.

And apparently NO ONE ever tried lighting this candle before, despite (as evidenced by the mugging and bullying previously) this town is just PLUMB FULL OF TEEN D-BAGS WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

Or maybe it’s because he’s the first ‘virgin’ to light the candle. Although none of the other jerk teens in this movie seem like they have the skills to charm a partner into bed.

Oh thank goodness the witches are here. 

This movie just went from Sunday-afternoon-Nickeodeon-movie to something worth watching.

Notable that the moment the witches enter the scene, Birch’s acting improves dramatically

(So I blame Max)

Either that or Kathy, Bette, and Sarah Jesica were like ‘no that scene where Thora pushes her lines like a series of constipated pellets won’t do. LET’S DO ANOTHER TAKE’

Oh here comes the talking cat.

Wow. This movie had everything.

Now, as a grownup, I’m like ‘OBVIOUSLY’ these women wouldn’t be tricked by the idea of a sprinkler as a ‘burning rain of death’

But they really do sell it. It’s just so hilariously goofy.

Actually now that I think about it, this movie would just be GREAT if we completely cut out all the Max scenes of him being gross and dismissive and rude, and cut it down to the scenes with the witches.

Allison the love interest also has triceps of steel, ’cause she’s just tossing around a 10lb cast iron skillet like it’s a wafer.

Okay so Max has been a general douche to Allison, a complete jerk to his little sister Dani (unless he can use her to get into Allison’s pants, in which case he’s at-best civil), and now he’s let a trio of dangerous witches loose in town.

Aand he’s JUST moved here!

So like while everyone’s getting their pants in a bind about welcoming refugees or immigrants or whatever, it’s totally okay to let asshats like this cross state lines?

… Oh dang I forgot to pay attention to the movie, I got distracted googling the cast to see how badly everyone aged.

I’m sure Max said something arrogant and insufferable and the witch sisters ate some spiders in a charming and hilarious way

Dammit I keep tuning out as soon as Max and Co. show up on screen.

Oh right. There’s singing. There’s a musical scene in this movie. Hey, why not?

Spotted: One…no two offensive ‘Indian costumes’ at this Musical Halloween party.

Truth fact: R2 really enjoys wearing a tang suit on the reg, but I had to BEG him to not wear it today for Halloween because…. yeah, just this one day is not a great day to wear anything with a frog clasp.

Nathan pointed out I was being colorist but dude even I wouldn’t wear my qipao today.

Back in 1993 one of the things I loved most about this movie was that it seemed to go on forever. Dance numbers! False happy endings! Talking cats!

And now years later one of the most painful things about this movie is…. ugh it’s going on foreverrrrrr.

Oh right – and the dumpy fatphobic jokes.

Mary Sanderson, the dopiest and chubbiest of the sisters, gets to ride a vacuum cleaner while her smarter & sveleter sister (respectively) get to ride brooms

I mean riding a vacuum cleaner IS funny.

But why not save that for a power play. Winifred could have rocked it just fine.

Same for the dumb-blonde trope for Sarah, the thin blonde sister, who’s about as smart as my cat

I guess that was her typecast role back then, between LA Story, Mars Attacks, etc.

Still, ew.

Wait.

Noooo!

Max the limp gym sock is winning against the witches!

But but but he’s SO BORING!

Oh nevermind another false happy ending. (This movie really does go on forever.)

Okay i’m confused.

The Sanderson sisters need to eat some children so they can live more than a couple hours. And they have less than an hour left.

But luckily they’ve drawn what appears to be every single child in the neighborhood to them, to feast on.

But instead of having a quick snack to keep their blood sugar up so they can live to hunt another day, they’re chasing our Bland Protagonists to a graveyard (where they are fighting at a disadvantage due to hallowed ground) to eat this ONE little girl.

And then tries to force feed a kid with a glass vial within reaching distance of everyone while balancing on a broom?

Oh right this is when Max got hot!

He swallows the potion so the witches can’t poison his sister or whatever

Sacrificing himself and turning into a foggy green thing that i guess the witches are gonna inhale or something.

It’s basically a tug of war contest at this point, and the witches run out of time. Which is ridiculous! They could have eaten like a hundred children over the next hour and then come back to get these three kids another time when they’re well rested!

AAAAaaadnd they turn to glitter

Immediately. IMMEDIATELY as soon as Midler exits the scene, Birch’s acting devolves again.

“BOO HOO HOOO” she cries, like the way my kids fake cry when I won’t give them a candy bar and we both know there’s no hope of tricking me.

End joke: “I had to wait 300 years [to die] for a VIRGIN to light a candle”

Hahaha get it? It’s funny because he’s a TEEN BOY and no one has touched his PENIS which means he’s a LOSER. /sarcasm

Reminder to all boys who watch this movie: have sex at a disturbingly young age, or everyone will laugh at you!

If no one touches your penis, you could put all of humanity in mortal danger from ancient bitches!

The end.

I dunno… 3/5 stars? 

One star each for Bette, Kathy, and Sarah Jessica who are giving it their all. 

Two stars deducted because there were scenes without the witches in them, and all of them were not just boring, but reinforced a gross message about teen boys and the girls who they use as accessories in their personal growth.