Peter Pan

Ashia R:

It’s Family Movie Night, and we’re watching 1968’s Peter Pan.

We start with a performative disclaimer about stereotypes and how these depictions of ‘people or cultures’ was “wrong then and they’re wrong now.” Since it flashed on the screen to quickly for us to read, I’m paraphrasing.

Dust off those hands, Disney is now free to ignore the problematic depictions and keep profiting off the movie! Ka-ching!

We open on an idyllic, slightly gloomy British night, where Cinderella (who hasn’t aged) and Prince Charming (who has aged normally), are getting ready for a fancy night out. Cinderella goes by ‘Mary’ now, and apparently Prince Charming’s first name is ‘George.’ Who knew!

Nathan is delighted to see that while the two boys are fighting and calling each other insulting words for dogs, Nana the dog looks actively offended. Which means the writers of this movie were well aware that insults like these hurt people’s feelings, but they decided a dog’s indignation was worth showing in the first scene – whereas it’s totally okay to do to Indigenous folks. Cool.

Prince charming has grown kind of grouchy and clumsy in his middle age, and it seems like his family just isn’t too fond of him anymore. After a few pratfalls (he’s chubby now, so it’s okay to humiliate him /sarcasm), Prince Dad decides to rope Nana the dog outside for… unclear reasons that seem mostly to punish his children for his hurt feelings.

Cinderella Mom tucks all the kids into bed while Wendy prattles on about stealing peoples shadows. Mom is confused but she’s got fancy places to be, so she’s like “Okay….cool. Night, kids!”

And I feel her! The amount of ridiculous bullshit that spouts from these peoples mouths is too plentiful to process. Just to get through the day you have to nod, smile, and be like “Oh, butt-stop Mario Odyssey Sparkle Kingdom Minecraft Creeper! Sure thing, buddy!”

Anyone who has ever tried to put a talkative child to bed knows you do not ask the child any questions. That’s what they WANT you to do! Any conversation drags bedtime out until it’s 2am and the kids are riding their mattresses down the stairs.

As expected, Peter Pan shows up to find his shadow, with the help of his buddy, Tinker Bell, who seems surprised at the size of her own hips. Followed shortly by an ass-shot of her twerking in a drawer. It’s a weird scene?

“Girls talk too much” says Peter, as Wendy introduces herself and fixes his detached shadow problem. Since Wendy is an airhead, she agrees and moves on without so much as a side-eye.

Unfortunately, tonight is Wendy’s last night in the kids room, as she’s scheduled to grow up tomorrow. Which means no more kids stories because being an adult means sleeping alone and escaping whimsy and imagination.

Peter invites Wendy to Neverland, and she rewards him with her kisses. Because that’s her currency as a girl who talks too much, so… yeah. Huh.

Tinker Bell is alarmed, and throws a tiny fit. Now, when I was a kid I thought that was because Tink was jealous. But you know what? Maybe she’s not cool with random people kissing her friends without consent. Tink is an upstander!

Tink is NOT a fan of Wendy, and you know what, I get it! If some weirdo tried to assault my friends with unsolicited kisses, I’d steer clear of them too!

Moving on, Peter grabs Tink and taps her out to sprinkle pixie dust on the kids so they can fly. He then goes on to ride a couple of alarmed swans across a pond. Peter is a jerk. 

Q: “This movie is made terribly.” 

Ashia: 

Listening to the music and cinematic flow, it appears adults made these scenes to feel whimsical and fun. But all I remember when watching the intro to this movie was feeling like a ball of terrified anxiety. Every decision the kids make in this movie seem like SUCH TERRIBLE NO GOOD BAD IDEAS.

And now it’s on to pirates, where the assholery is flying too quick to track! 

First we’ve got some light humiliation for the short fat first mate, Smee. Followed in quick succession by Hook reviewing a map depicting a stereotype of am Indigenous South American standing on ‘Cannibal Island,’ and then he mumbles something about R-d Sk-ns.

Q: “Like, I said, this movie is terribly made.”

Ashia: 

Earlier, the toddler mentioned something about wanting to be an ‘Indian Brave’ and I was like ‘Well i mean it’s dehumanizing but not mean, at least? I didn’t realize we’d be throwing in slurs fast and loose.

Q: The Indian encampment?!

Ashia: (Honestly I don’t know if that term is offensive, but I like Q noticing that a stack of tipis on a platform seems sus.)

Wendy arrives in Neverland, and is promptly greeted with a flurry of ammunition as the Lost Boys decide to attack her upon sight.

Peter Pan yells at the lost boys, and he’s like “I brought you a mother to take care of you!” 

WAIT WHAT? That wasn’t in the deal! Wendy agreed to come to Neverland to avoid growing up, not be saddled with a shitload of childcare and domestic labor!

But Wendy has nothing to say, we have no idea what her thoughts are on this. 

Peter decides to send all the boys to ‘capture Indians’ while Peter takes Wendy to look at mermaids.

And yes, ‘capturing Indians’ is cLEARLY fucked up, but also – what if Wendy wanted to play colonist, too!? Just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she doesn’t love genocide just as much as the boys. Sexism!

“We’re off to fight the inj-ns!’ they sing, and the kid with with the top hat identifies ‘Blackfoot’ Indians,  from the Algonquin, and I don’t know a ton about western Blackfeet, but this is heading into…uhhh territory?

“The Indian is cunning, but not Intelligent” says top-hat. And then we see a bunch of large-nosed, ruddy skinned adults wearing black pigtails and feathers attack and kidnap the children. 

And at this point things are getting so nasty, so fast, I can’t even keep up. Feathers, inhuman stereotypes, and “chief who talk in stereotype broken english” threatening to burn the kids at the stake. I’m sure there’s more in there, but we were so busy talking with the kids about how offensive this is it just ended up being a little bit of a clusterfuck.

Meanwhile, all the mermaids, who are feminine, HATE Wendy, because girls be catty bitches, amirite? (/sarcasm). They try to drown her, because she’s pretty, and no woman can stand to have another pretty woman around, even if she’s a completely different species.

Now I get some asshat decided to make this movie to appeal to white boys who want to feel special, but the running theme of girls fighting over Peter is just so… unnecessary. Especially since Peter is basically trafficking Wendy into a life of servitude without her consent. Absolutely no one would be clamoring for the attention of this young Andrew Tate.

From here, we see that Hook has kidnapped Tiger Lily, who maintains a silent, stoic, ‘noble indian’ posture as she’s being rowed to her death and deposited into a lagoon to drown. It’s like she has no feelings because she’s not a human!

Why do all of these girls want Peter’s attention?! He’s boring at best, but also a douchebag!

Oh right, because all of these women and girls are written by men.

Anyhoo – Pan and Hook have a long, drawn out fight that leads to Hook’s repeated humiliation. It feels like a really long time, given that Tiger Lily is literally in the process of drowning.

Q: Peter’s a really, REALLY big asshole.

Ashia:

Wendy: “Peter, what about Tiger Lily?” OH! Oh wow. Peter just completely forgot, even after winning the fight. Luckily they scoop her up before she DIES somehow, and fly off.

Q: Yeah, Peter’s just an asshole.

According to Smee, there’s women trouble on the island. The catfighting and drama between Tink and Wendy alarms Smee, but Hook has decided that ‘a jealous female can be tricked into anything.’

Scene change, and cut to a tomato-faced chief giving ‘an oration in sign language’ after a deep and rumbling “HOW.” Everyone is wearing feathers and facepaint. Peter hoots like a racist, they sit criss cross applesauce, cue a ton of peace pipes and drums and a woman referring to herself in the third person as ‘sq*aw’ while Tiger Lily dances seductively at peter and… oh gosh I can’t even keep up. They’re really packing in as many stereotypes as they can fit into one song about ‘Why is the red man red’

Meanwhile, Hook has somehow gotten ahold of Tink and is using her weak female brain against her, tricking her into hating Wendy even more. Because JEALOUSY over this shitty boy’s attention causes all women to just completely lose all reason! 

(And as Nathan is pointing out – the assumption that men are not that smart and can really only pay attention to one ‘thing’ at a time (and by ‘thing’ i mean ladies))

Tink IMMEDIATELY gives up Peter’s secret location. Because she’s a lady and she’s easily tricked! (Tink is also not coming off as a great person.)

But oh – the boys are still carrying on with the racist bullshit, with peter wearing a full headdress, calling himself ‘big chief.’ 

Bingo check for the word ‘s*vages – I’ll let Nathan explain this one to the kids because I CANNOT KEEP UP.

Alas, the fun is ruined, because Wendy is angry about Tiger Lily! Oh you didn’t think that Wendy was not like the other girls – did you? Of COURSE Wendy is jealous of any other lady type in proximity of her new man! Cause she’s a jealous female thing, so illogical, hysterical, and unreasonable!

Luckily nothing can stop Wendy’s natural motherhood instinct kicks in, and she starts chastising the boys and then singing them to sleep. Which the boys have NEVER experienced on Neverland, because boys lack a fatherly instinct and tendency to tuck each other in!

All the lost boys decide they want to go home with Wendy to have a mom, and Wendy just volunteers her mom to adopt ALL THESE CHILDREN like it’s no big deal. Poor Cinderella.

Peter is understandably hurt that all of his friends and family are abandoning him to be mothered. But I mean, he was a really shitty leader, so is this really a surprise?

All the kids leave and are IMMEDIATELY kidnapped by the pirates, because without pan, all these kids are useless for some reason. Hook recruits them into piracy, which makes sense – Pan and Hook aren’t enemies, they’re competitors in the booming child exploitation industry.

Upon hearing that Pan is in danger, her lady brain instinct to protect her man kicks in, and she flies in just in time to sacrifice her life to rescue this little shit. Only then does Peter admit that Tink means “more to me than anything in this whole world.”

Oh, the dreams of every jealous, unreasonable lady thing – to give our lives in service of a douchebag whose love we can win if we just give enough of ourselves for his well being!

I mean – even if it kills us, it’s worth it, just to have the love of whatever man is closest by!