[Image description: An interior page from Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent, and Respect by Jayneen Sanders and Sarah Jennings. The image features an elderly woman asking a reluctant-looking child, “May I have a kiss please?”]
[Image description: Table of Contents from Sex Is A Funny Word, by Cory Silverberg & Fiona Smyth. Topics include ‘What is sex?,’ ‘Learning About Bodies,’ ‘Boys, Girls, And The Rest Of Us,’ ‘Touch,’ ‘Talking About Sex,’ and ‘Crushes, Love, And Relationships.’]
Not sure how to explain sexuality with your kids? If you’re looking for inclusive, age-appropriate books to talk about sexuality and non-reproductive sex, you’ve arrived at the right place.
MORE IN THIS SERIES
First Talks About Body Boundaries
Raising Luminaries is free and accessible for readers who can’t afford a paywall. Posts may contain affiliate links, which allow me to earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Check out the full affiliate disclosure along with my statement of accountability.
203: Talking About Sex Beyond Reproduction
Open, honest discussions start early
Sex for fun! Masturbation! Human Rights For Sex Workers!
Now that I’ve scared off all the squeamish readers, let’s teach our kids how to have a healthy, sex-positive relationship with themselves and others.
Assuming we can keep kids sheltered from the existence of healthy, recreational sex is silly. Around 6 (give or take many years), it’s normal and healthy for kids to get curious and excited about sexual feelings, masturbation, and learning about others.
Be open, honest, and direct from the very beginning
Refusing to talk about sex, particularly the exciting parts of it, sets our kids up to feel ashamed of their experiences and their curiosity. Staying silent also opens them up to be exploited and abused (or become abusers) because they don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
You Might Also Like: 6 Mistakes We Make Raising Sons – Preventing Sexual Assault
Books For Littles(BFL) is free and accessible for readers who can’t afford a paywall. Posts may contain affiliate links, which allow me to earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Check out the full affiliate disclosure along with the BFL statement of accountability.
Ages 5.5+
Top Pick – If you read only one book, make it this one.
Sex Is A Funny Word
This mostly flies over my 4-year-old’s head, but for my 6-year-old, it’s a wonderful resource introducing curiosity, sexuality, and masturbation in a sex-positive way.
The Little Earthquakes already know about sexual reproduction, but we need to discuss what healthy sex looks like. From playground talk, media ads, and natural biological curiosity – they’ll realize that sex isn’t solely for reproduction even if we refuse to talk about it.
My 6-year-old needs to know that his curiosity is normal and healthy, and what is acceptable and unacceptable when it comes to how we treat ourselves and others.
This book discusses gender beyond a binary, acknowledges that all people – including people of color, people with disabilities, and the elderly, have desires & sexual identities.
It also directly and honestly addresses sexual abuse and consent – something all kids need to know as they head into elementary school – the age of sleepovers, playing ‘doctor,’ and staying in the care of adults outside their security network.
Ages 6+
Most Thorough For Exploring Sexual Identity
A Kid’s First Book About Sex
+ Workbook: The PlayBook For Kids About Sex
This one is a little tough to find (it’s no longer in print) and could use a second-edition. BUT! If you’re looking for a book that takes you step-by-step into discussing sexuality, masturbation, and sex for pleasure, this is the most direct, unapologetic book about sex for prepubescent kids you’ll ever find.
Printed in the early 80’s, these books erase intersex and trans kids and assume a gender binary, with statements such as, “Every boy has a penis and every girl has a clitoris.” This is outdated and false.
Despite that – this considerate steps to clearly and simply provoke self-reflection and acceptance is awesome and helps kids sort out their curiosity and feelings, encouraging them to discuss what they’re thinking about with a safe adult to figure out what feels right to them.
Ages 8+
Best For Survivors With A History Of Sexual Abuse
Tell Me About Sex, Grandma
This book is very different from the other books listed in this post. It’s full of metaphor, and it’s vague. To quote from the publisher description, “The dialogue focuses on the dynamics of sex, rather than the mechanics.”
I am autistic, and the Earthquakes are both under 7. We need concrete clarity – so it’s not for us. But I’m really glad it exists. Higginbotham’s work is innovative and I love her other books.
The broad metaphor is by design – this book gives survivors of sexual abuse a gentle way to discuss non-reproductive sex with kids, without specifics that could make that discussion too painful.
For older kids and neurotypical families (if you don’t know what ‘neurotypical’ means, it means you), particularly ones who aren’t comfortable using language on anatomy, naming orgasms and lust, that sort of thing – this is a great book to start with.
You Might Also Like: Love Is Love Is Love – Kids Books With Diverse Family Constellations
Grownups Only
Best For Older Teens & Adults
Drawn To Sex: The Basics
If you’re teaching your kids about sex, it’s probably a good idea to brush up on your own misunderstandings and biases first.
The authors of the web comic Oh Joy Sex Toy have compiled all the sex education 101 resources they’ve created over the years (plus other new stuff) into a 3-book series that publishes in November 2018.
This will probably have some problematic issues – but the makers have consistently remained open to criticism and learning, plus they actively boost the voices of marginalized artists, promote fat liberation, body acceptance, disability visibility, and LGBTQ+ issues. This is the comic for everyone who has been raised to feel ashamed of their body and sexuality (so basically, everyone.)
Maybe don’t.
Problematic & Overdue For A New Edition (2014 Edition Not Recommended)
It’s Perfectly Normal
This is the standard classic book on puberty and body changes for kids. The trouble is that it fosters the illusion of being inclusive without actually including the voices of intersex, nonbinary, and trans folks.
It’s a big book with a LOT of problems, including the willful misgendering of trans folks, and it’s time to either update it to be more inclusive, or retire it.
We are happy retiring it – there are way better options above. Unlike the problematic erasure of nonbinary and intersex kids in A Kid’s First Book About Sex, in which the 80’s publication just doesn’t even realize that these kids are normal, this one casually misgenders trans kids and insists on talking about them, without them. If you’ve read my series on non-disabled people writing books about disability, you know how I feel about this. With the maker’s reputation as an inclusive author, they should have known better for the 2014 edition.
Something To Keep In Mind
How Mamas Love Their Babies
This isn’t a sex education book, but this topic should be on your radar.
I’m not saying you need to start discussing the tricky situation of decriminalizing the exploitative sex industry while protecting sex worker’s human rights…but…maybe just teach them that sex workers are people?
While the text doesn’t mention sex work, the author explains that mamas sometimes wear uniforms (from baggy to tight, like a scuba diver’s) and some mamas dance, with images showing platform shoes and a stripper pole, and on a later page, a hotel bed.
This is amazing – because many mamas do have to/choose to support their babies with a career in the sex industry, and these women deserve the same credit for the hard work they do caring for their children.
They ALSO deserve access to the same healthcare, education, worker’s rights, and safety my family has access to – something they’re not going to get if we insist they stay invisible.
Feminists should support decriminalizing sex work. Here’s why.
Stay Curious, Stand Brave & Foster Shame-Free Sexuality
[Image description: Illustration from What Makes A Baby, by Cory Silverberg & Fiona Smyth. A developing fetus at 7, 12, and 38 weeks gestation.]
Not sure how to explain where babies come from? If you’re looking for inclusive, age-appropriate books to talk about reproduction that include all family constellations, these are the ones you’re searching for.
MORE IN THIS SERIES
First Talks About Body Boundaries
Raising Luminaries is free and accessible for readers who can’t afford a paywall. Posts may contain affiliate links, which allow me to earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Check out the full affiliate disclosure along with my statement of accountability.
202: Where Babies Come From
Open, honest discussions start early
Oh, hello there, Squeamish Parent!
If you are choosing to wait until your kids hit puberty to discuss sex with your kids, that’s cool.
For our family, it’s easier to discuss the internal mechanics right now. It was easier to answer my sons’ questions about lumpy, oddly-behaving body parts and calm fears about ‘getting accidentally pregnant.’
When our eldest was around 20 months old, we stated preparing him for the birth of his little brother. We watched youtube home-births, looked at images of fetuses as his brother grew, talked what it was like when he was in my tummy (and the years of medical intervention it took to get him there).
We discussed how some kids live in tummies of surrogates, first parents, trans dads, and the how all families are real families.
At one-and-a-half, he was old enough to understand human reproduction, without any of the awkwardness that comes from discussing sex with an older child.
I was surprised how easy it is to talk about sex, when we start from a framework of healthy human biology. But it was still hard to find books on this topic for kids this young. (Which is ridiculous – why wait until our kids have started having unsafe sex or being molested to finally teach them about it!?)
Most books were too complex, skirted around sex unnecessarily, and created the illusion that our cishet, two-parent family was the only way families were built. I want my kids to understand that there are many different types of family constellations.
The ways we build our families are diverse, unique, and can be a bittersweet mix of trial and hope that passes beyond biology.
Be open, honest, and direct from the very beginning
We teach the Earthquakes to challenge us if we try to use our parental authority as a shortcut – to never accept ‘Because I said so‘ as a final answer. We answer with unvarnished truth when they ask us hard questions about death, injustice, and sex, even when they’re little – so they can trust me in ten years, when our relationship gets shakier.
Pick the right book for your level of squeamishness below. No judgement – everyone takes on what we can handle, and sometimes our own history with sex can make this a really scary conversation. If you’re not ready for these books yet, check out our basic books on anatomy and body awareness, then come back here.
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You Might Also Like: Love Is Love Is Love – Diverse Family Constellations In Kids Books
Being Born
The Little Earthquakes’ Top Pick (with reservations.) Ages 1+
While pregnant with R2, Q and I used to pore over the images of Being Born in concert with R2’s development. Being able to ‘see’ his brother’s development beyond grainy ultrasound images (which meant nothing to him) allowed Q to start bonding with R2 and gave him extra time to identify us parents as a shared resource.
This is our favorite because it features the most realistic images (photographs) and straightforward language to give kids a sense of what a developing embryo and fetus looks like. Both my kids LOVE it and ask for it regularly.
But it’s not representative of all family constellations, presuming the reader is the biological, naturally conceived child of a cishet couple. You can skip over the text and just follow the amazing images, but be prepared to clarify this isn’t the way all babies are made.
Specifically, it was just this one line: “Your father’s penis became hard so that it could slip into your mother’s vagina, a soft opening between her legs.” That was hard to read the first time aloud, but my kids didn’t even blink. (Although it wasn’t true for our test-tube baby.) It sure is a great way to quickly rip off the band aid and explain how some families get the sperm to the egg.
For a much lengthier book with way more images for older kids, check out A Child Is Born, by the same photographer. I always get the two mixed up because of the similar names, but Being Born is the one you want for very young kids.
Ages 1-4
What Makes A Baby
Most inclusive for adoptive, LGBTQ, intersex, surgical birth families and squeamish parents
If you’re into the phrase “The Egg tell the sperm all the stories it has to tell about the body it came from. And the sperm tells the egg all the stories it has to tell about the body it came from.”…then this book might be for you.
What Makes A Baby uses a trippy combination of metaphor and story that doesn’t quite work for our literal family. I like accurate illustrations and photographs for science-based books, over a surreal egg illustration full of puppet theaters and trees.
What I do like about the book is that the author took care to be trans, nonbinary & intersex inclusive, and it works for adoptive families. Success on that is subjective, as some trans folks find it ‘sanitized’ (which is true) and others laud it for leaving out the ‘mommy & daddy’ terminology that excludes so many LGBTQ+ families (which is nonsense).
It was also nice to have a book that we didn’t have to include caveats for – since we used fertility treatments to conceive Q, he was born via cesarean, and we had to rely on donor milk. It showed him he’s not alone or particularly weird in this experience, and he was excited to see his journey reflected and validated.
Ages 3+
Where Willy Went
For SUPER squeamish, poetic parents
For those of you EVEN MORE squeamish and poetic, you might like Where Willy Went – taking even more leaps into metaphor with cute illustrations of goggle-clad sperm and testicle classrooms. Illustrations of the female reproductive system were simplistic to the point of actively confusing my kids.
Also fair warning – ‘Willy’ the sperm is bad at math, and the girl he eventually becomes also turns out bad at math. I think we have enough girls-can’t-do-math stereotypes out there already, thank you very much. So maybe leave that part out.
Maybe Don’t.
It’s Not The Stork
Not recommended (until they update it to remove trans misgendering)
I’m adding this to the list even though I don’t recommend it – because I know you’re going to check it out anyway because this series is the classic go-to for sex education and it looks so inclusive.
If you must – I’d skim through it with kids over 3. It’s a painful read aloud – wordy and overly detailed (not educational detail, just jokes and fluff and filler). It’s didactic, all over the place, and looong, but the Earthquakes did enjoy it.
I wouldn’t just hand it to a kid or teen and let them read it on their own. Harris tries to be inclusive for lesbian, gay, adoptive, and multiracial family constellations, but it sure doesn’t seem like she ran this by trans & nonbinary folks. She tends to misgender trans folks and talks about them like an aberration – and completely leaves out people who don’t fall within a gender binary.
This wouldn’t be such a big deal if this series wasn’t heralded as the gold standard. We need higher standards.
Stay Curious, Stand Brave & Tell Your Kids The Truth
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