[Image: Illustration from ‘Me And My Fear’ by Francesca Sanna. A young child sleeping in the bottom of a bunk bed looks up in concern and fear as the embodiment of her fear (a large white figure) breathes droplets of anxiety onto her from the bunk above.]
In this post: Books to help kids cope with abrupt changes in their daily lives due to social distancing.
[Image description: Mary Walker from the book ‘Mary Wears What She Wants’ by Keith Negley. Mary holds her fists on her hips, elbows akimbo, and frowns with angry eyebrows.]
Kids are in bed, let’s finish our March recap on anger.
In the months leading up to March, I spent a lot of time thinking about anger – particularly through the lens of women’s history month and feminism. It was going to be a website collection.
(And then life happened, and now its still stuck here in rough draft form: Destigmatizing Anger in Women. )
I conveniently happen to be a lady person who has feelings sometimes. So I did an experiment! Through March, I refused to push away or tamp down my anger. I owned it. I rolled around with it. I gave myself to be abrupt and honest about my feelings when people got rude.
It was helpful – my anger became a tool for clarity, a sharp blade to cut through the bullshit.
I always police my tone with people who want to defer their responsibility on to me. This month, I let a bit of my anger take out into the world as a warning flare to back off and quit poking me.
When I was six, I had my first overt bully. My mom told me to make unblinking eye contact with the girl who towered over me, slowly advance until our chests touched, and growl, “Whatchoo goin’ do ‘bout it?”
Which thinking back, must have been fucking adorable. But somehow it scared the shit out of people twice my size and it got me out of lots of dangerous situations.
My mother – who had been attacked from a young age by both people she loved and strangers on the street, who had been chased and pinned down, strangled, and abandoned, who had seen the inhumanity in people with power against those with less, exuded a constant cloud of fury about the injustice in the world.
This was the air I breathed, this is embedded in my tissue. I don’t get sad. I get angry. Anger is my comfort food.
Mom explained to me that over the course of my life, I would be attacked, at any moment, unprovoked. She taught me to to never sit with my back to the door. She also trained me to fight and leave my opponents choking on their own blood. To make a public example of my attackers so there would be no second wave.
So it makes me chuckle a bit, when readers call me aggressive because I make demands for basic human dignity and respect. Oh, honey. You you’ll know when I’m being aggressive because there will be holes in the drywall and my teeth will be embedded in your jugular.
So what I’m saying is, The Ray femininity isn’t a sad wilting daisy waiting to be saved. Anger is interwoven with our identity as women.
But there’s a caveat – some of us can’t afford to own and exude our anger. For all women – our justifiable anger is passed off as PMS, hysteria, nagging. We’re gaslit into submission, showing our emotions means our concerns aren’t taken seriously.
My mother is white, her anger is the stuff of power and super-hero movies. I am Asian, and there are consequences for showing my anger, playing into stereotypes of dragon ladies and yellow peril. Neither one of us, however, has to fear the stereotype of the Native Savage, or the Angry Black Woman.
So I’ve learned to keep my anger silent, hidden behind a relaxed facial expression. I couch my angry responses in ‘I’ statements, in calls for collaboration that put the burden on me to do the heavy lifting.
This is only necessary so long as we refuse to share our anger on a collective level. Separately, our anger eats away at is, bitter and resentful.
But what if…what if we could teach our kids how to amass the big feelings, the fury of injustice, and use it as fuel for a generational wave of change?
And what would it take to model healthy, powerful, change-making anger for them?
Unlike sadness, anger requires a sense of expectation, even entitlement. Anger comes from expecting control, and having it yanked away. Anger is a side-effect of ownership and agency.
Sadness has a place. Just yesterday, grief took me out at the knees. Picking pebbles from the dirt above my daughter’s grave – I accept that sadness. I am powerless to reverse or make her death okay. Sadness is this heavy fog that sits with us. It does not kick us into gear. Sadness is about the things we are not obligated to try and change.
This month, we got flooded with articles of attacks on young Black boys, disabled people, Muslims praying in a sacred safe space. These events don’t make me sad. They make me ANGRY. Not just that they exist – but that this month is no different from any other.
I pay attention when I feel sadness versus anger. When pity shows up in my gut. When I feel hopeless, when I feel gloom. Pity, sadness – it comes along with a sense of looking down from up high toward a victim – that person separate from ‘me’ (even if I’m looking at right-here-me as a victim from another hypothetical timeline where my daughter is still alive.) That is a form of superiority. Pity is a ‘too bad for THEM.’
Like this bullshit:
“I pray and hope that by the time my toddlers are in school, this won’t be necessary.”
This was a comment on our post about talking to kids about shootings. Beyond voting for politicians not backed by the NRA, this person has no plans to take responsibility or change things in the two years before their toddlers enter kindergarten.
I find comments like this INFURIATING. Fuck prayers and hopes and waiting. And I was like… well fuck. Was I not clear? I mean I DID point out in the article that thoughts and prayers aren’t getting it done. But you know what? I SUSPECT that this person didn’t even bother reading the article. It wasn’t this person’s problem, so they didn’t bother.
But this isn’t someone else’s problem to fix. It’s ours. Both mine, and theirs. Right now.
This parent justifies inaction in hopes some some faceless legislator will step up and do the work for them.
I get that being a parent (of twins, I’m guessing) is hard work. But this pity-party is condescending, and these comments aren’t just helpful – they do active damage.
For the thousands of people who see comments like this, it normalizes the behavior of staying passive, sending thoughts and prayers and passing responsibility to someone else. It models for our kids that sitting still and feeling sorry for our future-selves, waiting for someone else to get angry and get shit done, is acceptable.
Comments like this – they make it acceptable to see more things as something we can’t, and aren’t obligated to, change.
Attacks on people of color, on Muslims, on people on the other side of the world – we get sad when we see this as an attack on ‘others.’ (To be clear, I’m not trying to appropriate the impact of this violence. Victims of this violence and oppression and people within these groups face the day-to-day impact and trauma of it, whereas I just have big feeeelings.)
What I mean is – if we are truly including marginalized individuals as equals, as a part of our wider community, we are all humans in this together and we have an OBLIGATION to keep our people safe, to prevent these horrors. An attack on anyone’s children is an attack on OUR children.
If someone came after my child with violence, I would put a stop to it. I would use my fury like a laser to cut that cancerous bullshit OUT. I would not sit there crying, waiting for someone else to rescue them. So why aren’t more parents angry about mosque shootings, police brutality, and systemic injustice?
There is a good video about this – on perspective, judgement, and the choices we make to feel with people, instead of for them. It is here.
If the people under attack are our people (and they are). Get angry about attacks on our people. Do stuff about it. Call reps, vote, rally, sue gun manufacturers, draft legislation, collect and educate people, raise better humans, adjust your professional work to align with your values – there are ooodles and oooooodles of creative ways to use that fire to make change, and not one of them stops at ‘thoughts’ and clicking sad emoticons.
Hence the books. And raising kinder, braver kids who hopefully won’t grow up to kill and main and rape people. We are obligated to raise children who do not spew more malicious action into the world. We are obligated to raise children who recognize malicious action in their peers and nip it quick.
We are also obligated to show our anger, to talk to our kids about what makes us furious. We are responsible for modeling how to put that anger into a laser-beam of action.
Let our anger be the fertilizer that rears a new generation who hold themselves, and each other, responsible for the safekeeping of our people.
Fertilizer though – it smells. It burns. It’s explosive. We need anger-fertilizer-laser-beams, to burn away all the crap that doesn’t matter. We need it to kick us in the ass and keep us doing things that make us uncomfortable and scared.
Anger exposes our values – it clarifies what we believe is right, between what we deserve, and what isn’t acceptable. Anger is the fuel we use for courage to right things when they go wrong.
Get your hackles up, then go DO A THING. Read books full of angry women to your kids and learn more about how destigmatizing anger in women smashes the kyriarchy!
Check out the unpolished book list: Destigmatizing Anger in Women
[Image: illustration from Benji, the Bad Day, and Me, by Sally J. Pla and Ken Min]
I search through several hundred books each month, but not all of them fall within the scope of our monthly theme or book collections. Here were our favorite recent finds.
Creating a booklist of our top favorite books that make us giggle has been on my to-do list forever. But we talk about a LOT OF HEAVY STUFF in BFL and there is always something urgent and alarming we need to work on first.
So I’m excited to have these monthly posts to share the books that give us space to be happy humans.
This is a quick link list for folks who like to click through and add these to reading lists. See below for a review of each book.
Purple, Green, and Yellow (Munsch)
I know – I’ve been trying to keep this short and limited to 10 books, but mentioning Munsch earlier made me realize I still haven’t found a chance to talk about this book. It’s the single most helpful book we’ve found in discussing drug addiction, and the slippery slope that leads people into such life-altering habits. It’s also an #OwnVoices book – Munsch has disclosed his history with addiction.
Okay, are you starting to see why I love this man so much? This isn’t something he needed to disclose to his readers – in fact, it would have been safer for him NOT to. His vulnerability, I think, his openess, helps to destigmatize addiction and help us protect our kids from it. This man. He’s such a treasure.
Drugs have overwhelmed multiple generations in our family. Raising my kids only to lose them to heroin is one of my greatest fears. We have to show our kids that we love our family members, that they is worthy of love and support. We have to talk about the damage drug addicton has had even on the people who don’t do drugs in our family. We talk about being loving, non-judgemental, but cautious around the addicts we love – because they make illogical decisions to hurt us, even though they love us back.
But mostly we have to talk about how easy it is to become addicted. How a few simple decisions can make it so you can never really get back to the ease and privilege of not being addicted. This book is remarkably helpful in this.
Frida (Winter)
We read a LOT of books about Frida Khalo. Mostly because she’s accessible – authors love to write about her. But also because I’m still searching for the book that discusses her as an intersectional feminist hero.
There are books that talk about her disability (this is the best one for that), and even books that talk about her multiracial heritage – something we often gloss over in an effort to boost her as a Latina hero. And of course, lots books about her as a famous lady artist breaking feminist barriers. But very few talk about all of these intersections. And none of them talk about her open contempt for white feminism (such a shame.)
This is my favorite so far – but it does ignore her multiracial heritage. It does discuss her close relationship with her father. Her mother was more distant, and this broached in the book in a way I like – we get to see how her father’s role as the breadwinner gives him more free time, whereas her mother’s traditional role as a caretaker for children leaves her overwhelmed.
While the book does touch on her disability, and how she uses it and maneuvers through it in a wonderful way, I wish it discussed why Frida, in particular of all her sisters, was so close to her father – he was disabled, too.
I’ll keep searching for the perfect Frida book. Meanwhile, this one is utterly lovely.
Lakas and the Makibaka hotel (Robles)
THIS IS EXCITING!
When I first picked up a copy of Lakas and the Manilatown fish, I found it bizzare. There is this fish that bounces around and like, steals people’s hair? And it visits all these landmarks and the cadence of the text is unfamiliar, even the English part (it’s bilingual Tagalog & English). Which got me really excited, because when I find a book puzzling and hard to understand, it means its breaking some cultural barriers and refusing to cater to the dominant gaze.
First off – there are VERY FEW books about Southeast Asian Americans. I say ‘few’ because I’m sure there are others but I actually can’t think of any off the top of my head.
So these books don’t just celebrate Filipino American culture and history, they also do so unapologetically, without catering to the white gaze. I AM IN HEAVEN. After reading both, I suggest you tackle ‘The Makibaka Hotel’ to get used to the storytelling style before picking up ‘Manilatown fish.’ The men the young protagonist looks up to aren’t polished super heroes – they’re buskers about to be evicted.
This gave us TONS to talk about – about gentrification, about how Asians form tight-knit communities within America for support, about getting to choose our own heroes, about frustration, greed, capitalism, and exploitation of people living in poverty.
Still Stuck (Yoshitake)
This short & quirkly little story made us giggle. You can use it for deeper meaning of disability acceptance if you feel inclined (I was not, I am burnt, particularly as April approaches, which is hell month for autistics.)
At some point, all of us will feel stuck, will become temporarily or permanently disabled – we might realize that our lives might change forever, and we’re going to have to find ways to build a new way of life around it. Or, you can just look at the pictures and giggle.
Baby Feminists (Babbot-Klein)
I didn’t think this board book would have sticking power with a 4-year-old, but R2 has asked to read this book every single day for over a month now. The trick is to act completely surprised every time he lifts a flap.
Before she became a leader, RBG was…a famous lawyer? Head of her class? A toaster? TELL ME – WHAT WAS SHE?!
OH MY GOSH NO WAY, I never would have expected even the great and powerful RBG was a BABY! Just like you were! Just like me! Does that mean….even WE could go on to become luminaries who smash the kyriarchy TOO?!
This is your go-to baby shower gift for for favorite expecting parents.
Zoom! (Munsch)
I was really nervous to dig into the books of Robert Munsch. So many white authors use characters of color as tokens in stories, and I know he does this thing where he bases his characters off real kids. He churns out books at an alarming rate, which is usually a sign of sloppy filler books.
But you know what? I am…ok, hold up a second, I’m tearing up… I just adore this man, more and more with every book. While his books aren’t without their flaws (oodles of sanist language like ‘crazy’ and ‘nuts’), he is working so hard, he’s pushing for inclusion, he’s doing the work we’re asking for. And he’s funny, and he knows how to speak TO kids without speaking DOWN at them. If anything, he’s talking right over parents’ heads and poking our brains in subtle ways we don’t even realize.
So this story has basically everything I’ve ever wanted in a disability book. The protagonist uses a wheelchair, and her disability isn’t erased or ignored – it’s incorporated into the story in a fun, absolutely ridiculous way (as kidlit should be), and she’s both flawed with her unreasonable need for speed like a regular kid AND powerful. The story includes a subtle nod toward folks with disabilities who see abled folks whining about tiny boo-boos, she rescues her brother when he cuts his finger.
I could go on, but I need to keep this short. Get this book, make it a staple on your bookshelf.
Accident! (Tsurumi)
What do we do when things go wrong? The Earthquakes felt both smart and superior watching these characters bumble around, trying to flee from their troubles. Which of course made everything worse. We discussed how getting in a tizzy (what we call the orange zone) can make us clumsier and make things worse. And how stopping to breathe and calm down instead of running away might be a better idea.
And then what’s the best thing to do when we mess up? Apologize. Take responsibility. Offer amends. Perfect!
The illustrations and tiny amount of dialogue were hilarious, and I was delighted to find another multiracial Asian author (this is SO rare).
Masterwork of a Painting Elephant (Cuevas)
This chapter book was too advanced for R2 (4.5) to sit through, and I thought it would be over Q’s head at 6.5, but he and I fell into this deep, timeless space as I read it aloud to him. The story is both…enlightened and goofy (these are not the right words, but they’re the best ones I have on short notice.)
Even Q picked up on themes of a parent’s unconditional love and the sacrifices and dedication we are happy to make for our children. On being selfish, on our first crushes, on who deserves credit for their work and why – oh there are so many good things in here.
I’ve never read anything like it.
Benji, The Bad Day, And Me (Pla)
I approach books about autism written by allistic parents with a pair of tongs and a garbage bag.
And when I open a story to realize it’s narrated by an allistic sibling of an autistic child, I get my lighter out. It’s okay to have stories about autism FOR allistic siblings. The problem is that these are the tropes of 99% of autism kidlit. And we autistic folks are always a burden and challenge that our allistic siblings need to ‘deal with.’
HOWEVER. Instead of slapping me in the face with supremacy and condescension, this book filled me with ALL THE JOY.
The story isn’t about autism. It’s about a regular kid who (just like all allistic and autistic kids), is going through that gloomy stage around age 6-7 where the whole world is unfair and they are little pessimistic Eyore humans. It’s about sibling rivalry, envy, and feeling unseen and left-out.
This is a book EVERY 6 & 7 year old needs, whether or not they have a sibling. I used it with Q (age 6.5) to validate his feelings when he’s been singled out at school, to discuss what roles he plays in the bad things that ‘happen to him’ (hint: getting sent to the take-a-break space isn’t out of nowhere).
Even though we have brothers two years apart – one allistic and one autistic, both empathized with the older allistic protagonist, AND they both empathized with his younger autistic brother. GENIUS.
While there is an element of resentment – his autistic brother gets special accommodations that he doesn’t get, and that irks him in ways he can’t quite put language to. But the wonderful part is it’s not directed AT his brother – because it SHOULDN’T BE. Also the way the author handles the autistic brother’s after-school class is 100% perfect. We can’t tell which kind of class his brother is in, but whether you want to talk to your kids about ABA abuse and compliance training, or support classes that help give autistic kids support they need – this is a good conversation starter.
And the hero? The hero who saves the day and sees the protagonist? Who reaches out to say – I see you. You matter. I will do whatever is in my power to help you through this.
I WILL LET THE HERO BE A SURPRISE! Oh crap now I’m crying.
So now the Earthquakes mimic the ending and it’s so cute I could explode. GO GET THIS BOOK.
Coloring Without Borders (Various) (Not an affiliate link)
Rebekah L., one of our awesome-lovely-absolutely-fantastic patrons here, sent me Coloring Without Borders, which, because it’s a workbook, I can’t get my hands on from the library. I’ll admit, the price tag seems steep, but it makes sense, since all the profits go toward #FamiliesBelongTogether to help reunite families who were separated at the Mexican/US border.
Since it’s not in our budget, I had linked to it a while back and forgotten about it. I figured it was a basic coloring book but OH MY GOSH. IT IS AMAZING.
We don’t have much luck with interactive workbooks. Coloring books are boring and basic, academic workbooks are tedious, the Questionners series from the Iggy Peck makers rely too much on adult guidance, and open-ended craft books like the Beautiful Oops! Craft book are too vague.
But for THIS book- all you need is a pencil (or whatever your favorite writing implements are). Kids can make it simply or ornate, and the bilingual english-spanish prompts inspire creativity. My kids are ACHING to dig into this book, and I’m so excited to see what they create.
We’re going to buy another copy so each kid can have one, and save both for a plane trip we have to make this summer. The book is SO THICK I’m fairly certain it will entertain them for a large chunk of their 6-hour flight. And probably the flight back.
And then I am going to save their creations forever. It’s better than a diary. This is SO PERFECT. And the profits go to reuniting families! SO GOOD!!!!
Maya (Jain)
I’m slowly amassing books about fear, grieving the death of a loved one, and books by and about women of color. This fits into all three of those lists!
The primary theme in this book is one of perspective. It taps into a fairytale story about the a monsoon and the first baobab tree that rescues all. And how even though things can start out scary and overwhelming, having some faith and hope that we can get through this – that things will be okay – oof. Now that is a lot to pack into a picture book.
Sharing this post on social media? Use this image description to make it accessible. [Image description: Illustration from ‘Baby Feminists’ by Libby Babbott-Klein & Jessica Walker. Two baby solidarity fists in the air, one with brown skin, one with light skin.’]
Board Book & Interactive Books, Best for ages 6 months – 6 years
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…but R2 has asked to read this Baby Feminists every single day for over a month now.
The trick is to act completely surprised every time he lifts a flap.
Before she became a leader, RBG was…a famous lawyer? Head of her class? A toaster? TELL ME – WHAT WAS SHE?!
OH MY GOSH NO WAY, I never would have expected even the great and powerful RBG was a BABY! Just like you were! Just like me!
Does that mean….even WE could go on to become luminaries who smash the kyriarchy TOO?!
Author: Libby Babbott-Klein (she/her)
Illustrator: Jessica Walker (she/her)
Sure, let’s call this #OwnVoices. The book is about babies who grow up to be feminists. And I am pretty sure both of these makers are former babies.
Learn more about #OwnVoices, coined by Corinne Duyvis.
How we calculate the overall awesomeness score of books.
I borrowed a copy of this book from our local library (which we support with donations) and screened it with my kiddos at age 4 & 6.
If my work makes it easier for you to raise kind & courageous kiddos, you can keep these resources free for everybody by sharing this post with your friends and reciprocate by supporting my work directly.
Ways to support: Paypal | Venmo | Ko-fi | Buy a t-shirt | Buy a book | Buy toothpaste | Subscribe to Little Feminist Book Club
But if your resources are limited – first support OUTright Youth of Catawba Valley – providing support & safe community for LGBTQ youth & allies in an anti-LGBTQiA2S+ community.
Sharing this post on social media? Use this image description to make it accessible. [Image description: Illustration from ‘Polar Bear Island’ by Lindsay Bonilla & Cinta Villalobos. A polar bear paints the words ‘No Others Allowed’ on the welcome sign to Polar Bear Island.]
Picture Book, Best for using with kiddos ages 5+ to expose the model minority myth
Keep Raising Luminaries & Books for Littles free and accessible for readers who can’t afford a paywall.
Posts may contain affiliate links, which allow me to earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Check out the full affiliate disclosure along with my statement of accountability. If you’re into supporting libraries (please do!) more than consumerism, you can also support my work directly:
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I picked this up thinking it’d be another book about saving the polar bears & environmentalism. Nope. It’s about closed borders. Cool. Okay, I’m game. Let’s do this.
The Mayor of Polar Bear Island is a xenophobic conservative polar bear named ‘Parker.’ Not ‘Mayor Parker,’ just ‘Parker.’ The author never explains why an island has a mayor, nor why he goes by his first name. The lack of explanation leaves me unsatisfied. I like my anthropomorphic bigots to have some back story, y’know?
Anyway – Parker loves his island exactly the way it is, so he leaves up a passive-aggressive welcome sign, “Welcome to Polar Bear Island, No Others Allowed.”
The 6-year-old found the juxtaposition of ‘welcome‘ paired with a direct ban confusing and hilarious. I had to explain to him that he’s saying other polar bears are allowed, just not other species. It’s unclear!
From here, the story could have gotten really interesting. And then it…didn’t.
Here are a few of the messages the author could have unpacked for kids with this setup:
Anyway – Parker tries to ban visitors and immigrants, and a penguin shows up. Then there’s the slippery slope xenophobes clutch their pears over – because soon after, the penguin’s family follows and the island is practically infested with penguins after that.
Oh right – there’s another missed opportunity. The importance of circular migration! Circular migration is when people go back and forth seasonally or as needed. Which closed borders destroy, and transform into linear migration – where people can’t leave for fear they won’t be allowed back in. And how this drives the influx of immigrants because families belong together.
Banning circular migration means entire communities must live in a climate where humans can survive all year round, instead of just showing up as needed and then returning home when natural resources return, they’re able to rebuild after natural disaster, or the established population no longer needs the extra labor. OBVIOUSLY.
This penguin shows up. The family shows up. This island is full of friendly, helpful penguin tourists. I say tourist because the story is clear that this first penguin is a traveler – someone who likes to keep on the move. This is not someone here to stay. This is someone coming to visit for pleasure.
Polar Bear Island was was published in 2018. It’s about a xenophobic leader. So it’s really hard and I dare say, impossible to read this outside the context of the 2016-2020 US administration’s continued efforts to instate and maintain immigrant bans and border walls targeted toward people of color.
So here is where it gets icky – this book becomes a story about the model immigrant. The model minority – a good immigrant who offers their weight in value. An immigrant who contributes. Or in this case, a family of penguins who show up asking for nothing, offering only helpful tricks like cozy slippers and innovative transportation design.
Oh – those immigrants aren’t mentioned in this book. They muddy up the argument that we should allow open immigration to nations with plentiful resources, because immigrants are helpful to us.
Which is terribly objectifying, and more than a little disgusting – right? Teaching our kids that immigration is good! (If the immigrants can be put to use).
NO. The movement of humans, of living species, across the planet should be a living right – particularly when living in one particular place becomes life threatening. Particularly if a group of humans living on one chunk of the planet (cough, cough, China, the USA) are using a disproportionate amount of carbon-emitting fossil fuels, leading to the direct devastation of countries with less resources. We are causing natural disasters and creating climate refugees, then banning them from escaping to safer spaces. This is some NIMBY bullshit.
So listen – I am 100% for introducing xenophobia to kiddos so they can see how it’s just pure nonsense. I’m also cool with discussing the messy tensions of culture clash, and even the costs of immigration to the native population. I want to talk about the difference between invasive colonization versus open immigration! I want to talk about the constant struggle to maintain cultural identity in a diaspora against pressure to assimilate! I want to talk about how we bring in brown to keep Black down.
What I do NOT want to talk about, is how immigrants must earn their safety, their value, and their ability to stay based on how many slipper socks they’re willing to sew for the established citizenry and how well they build railroads.
Those who’ve read it caught that, right? The part of the story where the penguins build ice paths for the polar bears like our ancestors built the fuckin’ railroads? But in this story, no Irish or Chinese immigrants were banned, denied citizenship, tortured, murdered, or lit on fire while building infrastructure for white profit.
These conversations have to go somewhere. We can’t just read a book for ‘awareness’ and consider our work done. So – what shall we do with all these big feelings we have about banning immigrants and that damn wall?
Here are some ideas from what we did as a family after reading books about the refugee crisis and family separation:
Advocacy work should be normal, and integrated within family life.
Did your family or classroom do something to advocate for immigrant rights & open borders? Share your advocacy work in the comments to motivate more folks!
This isn’t a one-and-done conversation. We need to bring this conversation back to kids from multiple angles. Get these from your local library, or your local indie bookstore (Bookshop supports local indie stores if you’re self-isolating during the pandemic).
Author: Lindsay Bonilla (she/her)
Illustrator: Cinta Villalobos (she/her)
Not in the way we want it to be. This isn’t immigrant #OwnVoices immigrant – more like #OwnVoices tourist.
Bonilla’s author bio says she is a mom in Ohio, and enjoys international travel. I can’t find any info on whether she’s an immigrant, but it seems like that would be worth mentioning in the author bio blurb at the end of the book. Villalobos was born in and lives in Spain. She also enjoys international travel.
Learn more about #OwnVoices, coined by Corinne Duyvis.
How we calculate the overall awesomeness score of books.
I borrowed a copy of this book from our local library, (which we support with donations).
If my work makes it easier for you to raise kind & courageous kiddos, you can keep these resources free for everybody by sharing this post with your friends and reciprocate by supporting my work directly.
Ways to support: Paypal | Venmo | Ko-fi | Buy a t-shirt | Buy a book | Buy toothpaste | Subscribe to Little Feminist Book Club
And if you find my work helpful and want to keep it free & accessible for all – join our Patreon community so I can keep these articles coming. But if your resources are limited – support Immigrant Families Together first.
Quick Things You Need To Know:
Also see:
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The line blurs on this between anxiety and just jitters about doing something new, but I’ll throw these in here since you might find them helpful.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (not to be confused with OCPD, below)
Perfectionism & Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (not to be confused with OCD, above)
I have OCPD. (Note the first-person language of ‘have’ for OCPD, rather than the identity-first language I use with autism. This is because OCPD is acquired, and while it’s often helpful, it’s also a stressful hindrance.) OCPD is a personality disorder that tends to present in adulthood, but there are definitely personality traits (like perfectionism) that many kids present with when they get anxious. Autistic kids are more likely to develop OCPD as a coping mechanism, along with other anxiety issues that come with trying to fit into a hostile environment. OCPD typically includes compulsions to keep life routines and personal space as orderly and predictable as possible, to cope with the experience of the outside world as unpredictable, frightening, and painful.
Selective Mutism & Stutter
Not all verbal disabilities are tied to anxiety, but these often are, so I’ll include them here
Steggie’s Stutter (jack hughes) – Feminine dinosaur, so that’s a plus. cute illustrations. She finds it hard to speak and she’s very smart. we see her friends interrupting her when she talks, and ignoring her when she tries to point out they are doing something dangerous. she goes on to rescue her friends and they get out of various jams once they shut up for a moment and listen to her. Worth noting that there is a negative Amazon review from Lissa Parker, an ableist asswipe & professional anti-disability-rights advocate I hate with the passion of a thousand suns- so BONUS POINTS FOR THIS BOOK. (Seriously every time I see one of her reviews I hyperventilate with rage). Ages 4+, destigmatizing verbal disabilities, dinosaurs
Alvin Ho: Allergic to girls, school, and other scary things, Book 1 (Look) – A LOT to unpack and the author leaves adults holding the bag in terms of dissecting Alvin’s toxic beliefs. That title tells you basically what you need to know about the plot. Look feeds into dominant narrative that it’s normal for boys to be disgusted by and feel superior to girls, validates biases against girls, disabled folks, and the elderly. While subtleties in the plot show how Alvin’s biases are mistaken, it’s not spelled out clearly enough to make up for the bigotry he actively spells out, and I suspect the contrast is going to go over most kids’ heads until they get a little more self-aware. This age range needs less subtlety and more of a slap in the face about how Alvin’s toxic behavior isn’t okay. AAPI woman author.
Sexism – There’s a big chunk in the beginning of the story where Alvin harps on how much he doesn’t want to sit next to girls (and nothing in the story explaining how problematic this is or his flawed logic). It felt like Look was trying to show off how much she ‘gets’ boys, and I was uncomfortable reading this with Q. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be a little girl reading how gross she is in the eyes of boys like Alvin.
Disability: On the plus side, this story validates and normalizes selective mutism – Alvin can’t talk in school, but is fine everywhere else. Alvin doesn’t appreciate his friend (who wears an eye patch and has one shorter ‘peg’ leg) but who is awesome. I love that she’s portrayed with agency and kick-assness, her disabilities and discrimination against aren’t erased, but she’s more than just her disabilities. HOWEVER – the way Alvin realizes he was wrong this is just too subtle, and there aren’t many repercussions for his negative treatment toward her. Alvin tries to fit in with the cool kids and realizes they aren’t fun, goes back to his friend who is cool and appreciates him. She just waits for him and accepts it. Feels validated on making mistakes and trying to make sense of a world with unspoken norms. Learning what is and is not okay, being sent to therapy without anyone explaining to him what therapy is for.
Normalizing East Asian boys – As an Asian boy, Q is starving for reflections of himself in stories (asian boys are SO FREAKING RARE in kidlit), so I tried the first in this series even though at 6 he was a little too young for a chapter book like this (it’s for kids 8+). As a validating story for Cantonese-speaking Chinese boys, Q loved that he has a yeye (unfortunately only mentioned once, and he’s dead), but gung gung plays a big part in the story. However if this is the best we can do – it’s shit. If the only way to validate Asian boys in kidlit is to fit them into the mold of white male toxic masculinity, no thanks.
Nonbinary character – Alvin has one friend who he can’t tell whether Jules is a boy or girl, and seems to like and accept them the way they are. “I do not know if Jules is a girl or a boy. Sometimes Jules plays with the boys, and other times Jules plays with the girls. It is hard to tell.” He goes on to help Jules scratch some chicken pox.
Ageism – Afraid of his piano teacher because she’s old and his friend told him she was a witch. He’s unkind to this teacher. The story does counter stereotypes against his grandfather as an athlete.
[Image description: Illustration from ‘The Rabbit Listened’ by Cori Doerrfeld. A small brown rabbit leans gently against an upset child amid a scattering of blocks.]
[Image description: Raising Luminaries 2018 Good Finds]
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Recommended for ages 2-8
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We’ve been using interfaith stories to understand, respect, and find what we have in common with people of faith around the world. The easiest way I’ve found to do this is to examine how each faith understands their connection with the earth, and the regular events that occur as a byproduct of spinning through space – seasons, solstices, stuff like that.
For kids learning about faith from secular family, we use pay attention to common themes and practices across all religions. Light / sun / fire is a standard go-to around the world, particularly in those darkest months of the winter solstice.
When we discuss faith – I stress to the Earthquakes that there is no particular perspective as fact. It’s hard to swallow for us as atheist/agnostics – but I stress to my kids that there can be cold, hard, scientific facts, cosmologies that directly contradict them, and we have to accept both as a person’s truth.
Want to start conversations on interfaith understanding and acceptance with your kids? Here’s an example of how we used winter holidays and the stories below.
Observing winter solstice holidays reaffirm social identity and belonging.
While winter is scary and wants to kill us dead – we could run out of food! We could freeze to death! The air hurts our faces! We could get eaten by a starving predator with nothing left to lose!
So through all that scary stuff outside – winter festivals reassure us that we will continue to care for each other. This is our opportunity to commit to hope, we will hold on through the hard months until things get easier. While autumn holidays kick us in gear and remind us to prepare for what’s coming, winter celebrations foster resilience and strengthen community connections.
First Light, First LifeBest for ages 6+
First Light, First Life connection religious practices from around the world in creation stories that center on the sun. This works well even for us science geeks, since life on earth unarguably DOES hinge on the sun providing us with energy. The reason I kick off with this one is that it holds contrasting and parallel ideologies as equal, from Indigenous cultures all around the world.
This is surface-level stuff, with a maker trying to pull together our commonalities and respect our differences in harmony, without judgement. But also with a fair amount of typical errors (like mis-attributing one Indigenous American nation’s beliefs as a global pan-native thing.)
So, as with all compilation-style books like this, use this didactic, nonfiction book as a jumping off point, rather than a go-to textbook.
Celebrations of Light: A Year of Holidays Around the WorldAnother, rather gorgeously illustrated compilation ALSO lacking a story,* Celebrations of Light includes Gregorian New Year’s, the Lunar New Year (implies it’s only celebrated in Taiwan and China, which is untrue), Lanterns & the month of Ramadan, Lichtmesdag, Buddha’s Birthday, Bon Matsuri, Diwali, Loy Krathong, Hanukkah, Luciadagen, Christmas & Las Posadas, Kwanzaa, and Candelmas.
*(Is it too much to ask to engage kids instead of just dumping facts on their heads?)
The Way To Start A DayRecommended for ages 4.5+
Kids grow up, stages end, and good and bad things will happen.
But how awesome is it that we get to be here now, welcoming a new day and the opportunity it brings?
How awesome is it that no matter what yesterday was like, we get to remember the good stuff and wake up for another chance to try again?
The Way To Start A Day is mindful guide on gratitude practices to greet a new day around the world, with an emphasis on nations within the Southwest plains of Turtle Island. While it’s not specific to the territory currently called the US, the illustrations intertwine Indigenous people from around the planet – and points out the connection between the rising of the sun and how we approach each new day. I really liked this one.
Greet The DawnRecommended for ages 6+
When God Made LightRecommended for ages 5.5+
When God Made Light is the most blatantly religious of the collection, as it’s written for ex-fundamentalist Christians, and maintains the presumption that creation is intentionally designed by an intelligent god.
As atheist/agnostics, our family approaches this in a complicated way. Some folks believe in a conscious god. We don’t. Who is right? Both! Cause it’s important to start those little brains young on realizing that there is no objective truth when it comes to belief.
Raised in an abusive fundamentalist Christian home, Turner created this progressive Christian series as an exercise in trauma mastery – to dismantle the more toxic aspects of fundamentalism, while also holding onto the good stuff that Jesus said before Christianity got all political – you an unconditionally valuable part of the universe.
The book is supposed to be for preschoolers, but like the others, there’s no story, and the flowery language goes right over the Earthquakes heads: “Now, when God made light, God made all different kinds. Some sparkles, some flares, but all light shines. It flashes in bolts when lightning is crashing or bursts through the sky when a comet is dashing.”
So I’d save it for older kids – both so they have a chance to think critically about intelligent design without us that assumption down their throats as fact – but also because the language is just tought to parse, particularly for literal thinkers.
Recommended for ages 3+
Winter Candle(ages 7-11)
This one is out of print, but not worth the price tag of a rare book – so grab it at the library if yours has a copy.
A candle gets passed to different neighbors – from a woman celebrating US thanksgiving, to a Havdalah candle for Shabbat, to a St Lucia crown, to a kinara candle for Kwanzaa. It’s really a story so much as families realizing they don’t have the candle they need and building community by asking for help from neighbors.
It’s very sweet and makes a good intro book if you have it around – but won’t provide any background on what all these traditions are and why folks celebrate them.
Flash and Gleam(ages 4-8)
Covering a few of the cultural world holidays that celebrate light – this expands beyond winter, but is a helpful nonfiction book to get kids started on discussing the similarities between practices across the planet.
Lights of Winter: Winter Celebrations Around the World(ages 4-8)
Includes short introductions to a few winter light-based celebrations excluded from common winter holiday books, including Solstice, Yule, Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Teng Chieh, Diwali, Soyal, Las Posadas, Zagmuk, and Saturnalia.
How Coyote & Eagle stole the sun & moon
Celebrations of light:
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Recommended for ages 3-7
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Aside from the outfit, and the fact that he’s a gourmand, the book doesn’t reinforce any French stereotypes (so far as I can tell).
So I think it’s…okay? I mean, delicious buttery snails and a salad with a light vinaigrette IS French cuisine, and they are délicieux.
And I really NEED this book to be okay, because I don’t think I can handle it if I have to stop reading it with my kids.
This is, by far, the most adorable, endearing, little book. And the story is HILARIOUS. No book has ever received so many kisses from our family. When Escargot shows off his handsomeness (he’s super body-positive) and tries to scare away a carrot I LOSE IT.
Crying. I laugh so hard I CRY. Every single time.
If you’re actually French and find this book super problematic, I’m open to listening.
BUT ALSO I am crossing my fingers that it’s okay because OH. MY. GOSH. This book is SO FREAKING GOOD.
I’m pretty sure my terrible French accent for Escargot is problematic, but given France’s history of colonization and genocide and the low rate of hate crimes against French people in the US, let’s consider my linguistic butchering fair play.
Anyhoo – the story is just adorable and lovely. Perfect for those years when kids start to wrestle with self-esteem (around 4+, or forever, if you’re a US president) – including all that comes with it. Insecurity that shows up as obnoxious boasting, desperately needing to be the best, constantly seeking reassurance and praise.
It’s even a bit interactive – Escargot requires the occasional helping hand or reassuring kiss).
How we calculate the overall awesomeness score of books.
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But the Earthquakes still fight over it like their entire future hinges on getting it.
That, and the ‘good’ blanket,
…and the softest sock,
…and so on.
Doesn’t matter if they’re hungry, tired, or cold. Doesn’t matter if they ate like twenty cookies 15 minutes ago and they’re already wearing three pairs of socks.
It’s about a sense of scarcity, competition, and security. I don’t give them things to silence them from squabbling. In fact, I usually feed the fire. I do not parent the Earthquakes equally. I parent them equitably.
It’s time again for our twice-yearly damage control for the Earthquakes. I like to get ahead of the entitled want-want-want atmosphere of the weeks leading up to gift holidays and birthdays.
While I know these arguments are a normal,, particularly with siblings so close in age, they happen multiple times a day and they are are SUPER ANNOYING.
To get through it, I remind myself that this ridiculous squabble and nitpicking is good for practicing negotiation. And math! Seriously – they break out a RULER when choosing cookies.
It’s also a good time to pull each kid aside and remind them that they will NEVER get exactly as much as others do. Someone will always have more than them, someone will always have less.
The size of their cookie is not symbolic of my love for them. Having to wear the scratchier sock doesn’t mean I’m going to leave them behind in a fire, write them out of my will, or be any less dedicated to their health and happiness.
You know what’s weird?
We don’t envy most people. Most of us don’t envy astronauts, aristocrats, and powerful celebrities. Their lives are so dramatically different from ours that there’s just no comparing ourselves to them, so we just…don’t.
We envy people similar to us. We envy cousins who got the good hair, colleagues who make a living wage, and parents with kids who sit quietly in public.
So the outraged fury that we face when we read an extra story to one kid and not the other, is a sign that we’ve actually been practicing something very close to equal-share parenting. Which might not be a good thing.
One of my kids needs way more attention and recovery time than the other. One kid needs more story time, the other kid needs more conversation. One kid needs to know his routines and what to expect from the day, and the other needs spontaneity. One kid needs new shoes, the other needs more art supplies.
One kid has some additional human needs (not ‘special needs’ – please stop calling them that) that the other brother doesn’t. It’d be silly to give them both chew toys when one uses oral stims for self-regulation, and the other doesn’t.
So, I parent equitably. I divide resources unevenly. And they’re actually pretty cool with it! So long as I keep these books in our frequent rotation.
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I get ‘envy’ and ‘jealousy’ mixed up often – envy is coveting the status and resources of another. ‘Jealousy’ is fear of losing something they feel entitled to.
The Better Tree Fort – Somewhere, a kid is getting more presents than ours, having a better time, and not appreciating things we desperately want. This book helps us let go of joy-killing comparison and FOMO.
Spoon, Last Stop On Market Street, I Have A Balloon.
Find more books to help kids navigate jealousy here.
We need a better word than ‘fair,’ which is far too nebulous and wiggly in definition. AND to nurture that innate drive to seek justice, balanced with equity. And also to wait out the stage when the whole world revolves around them and they only want ‘fair’ when it applies to them getting equal opportunity.
Odd Dog, Jaden Toussaint, The Greatest, Episode 3: The Muffin Wars, Too Small For Honeycake, not pictured: It’s Not Fair
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Picture book, Recommended for ages 4-7
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I have finished one of the 20 gifts we have left to DIY, because apparently my subconscious domestic gremlin has something to prove.
Only one more week before the Earthquakes are home 24/10 for winter break.
So that’s where I’m at for decorating and holiday prep. And already I have no. brain cells. left. But I vaguely remembered that I REALLY wanted to tell you about this book before it’s too late to grab it.
This is my favorite right before birthdays and holidays, to remind the Earthquakes that the best gifts are thoughtful ones, not shiny expensive ones. So far – it’s worked!
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