Despicable Me (2010)

Ashia R.

Hey haaaaay, it’s #FamilyMovieNight, and Q’s 9th birthday-eve pick is ‘Despicable Me.’

You know, I’ve never had a chance to sit down and pay full attention to this movie – it’s always playing in the background during kids parties.

So I am excited to watch it! I hope it’s goofy and not horrible! Who knows!

Okay so we open on an American family touring the Great Egyptian Pyramids.

Wee little kiddo, let loose from his harness, stumbles…up a ramp and then…bounces off the ground somehow. And pops the pyramid.

PLOT TWIST, who stole the pyramid and replaced it with an inflatable bounce pyramid?!!?

OH IT WAS THE BAD GUY.

:: am surprise ::

:::: but not really::::

Evil Crip Trope Check: Aside from baldness and a short neck, our lovable supervillain has no visible disabilities.

Although I do wonder about the vaguely Eastern European accent.

Oh wait, Gru (our no-necked anti-hero) was NOT the one who stole the pyramid! While he was out doing petty assholery such as giving kids balloon dogs only to pop them, someone was out-doing his villainy!

And here we are introduced to our infinitely merchandizable minions, all be-goggled and clad in overalls, of varying tic tac widths and heights.

I love that Gru knows all of his minions by name. He’s a likable boss.

I’m a fan of how this plot is high-key equating capitalism with villainy. Gru wants to steal the moon (as if things such as moons, or even land really, can be possessed by just one person).

Followed swiftly by “I’ll just get a loan from the bank, they love me.”

Because banks do! BANKS LOVE WHITE DUDES WHO COLONIZE SHIT!

Dr. Nefario, Gru’s chief scientist/bookkeeper, uses a motorized mobility scooter without shame and I appreciate that.

Here we are in the Bank of Evil! It’s like a big fancy bank, but redder.

Uhhh….

Okay so Gru is heading to some secret underground lab to get a shrink ray.

And meanwhile it’s in use – a group of East-Asian appearing dudes in gray suits (very North Korea chic) shrinking an elephant.

Whew. Okay so Gru got in and out without the movie getting too terribly xenophobic or sinophobic.

Oh right and while all of this is going on, there are three sad, unloved orphans being exploited by some evil adoption agency lady

Very ‘story time orphanage’ style situation. These poor pitiful orphans.

But I’ve been in enough group home foster adoption facilities and in real life they are a lot more beige and depressing than this.

Aaaaahgg they’re selling cookies door-to-door and Vector (Gru’s competition) invites them into his house to sell cookies. Then we see the kids being released unharmed like this is normal business.

THIS IS NOT SAFE!

KIDS – DO NOT GO INTO RANDO HOUSES TO SELL COOKIES.

Okay so I guess this inspires Gru to adopt the girls so he can use them to get into his competitor’s house.

I guess this movie is just going to skip past the bias against single adoptive fathers. No home visits or vetting. Gosh, adoption is so easy and non-traumatic in the movies. It’s like these girls never had lives, feelings, or family until they became useful to an adoptive parent!

These three well adjusted kiddos are our modern, young and adorable version of Manic PIxie Dreamgirls. Uncomplicated lil’ ladies with no depth of back story, added to a script to flesh out the personality and journey of a dude hero.

Manic Pixie Orphans, here to exhume and polish our villain’s heart of gold.

Aww bummer. Dr. Nefario misheard Gru’s direction and invented the wrong kind of device, and Gru is like “Why are you so old.”

Geez, Gru, you don’t need to get ageist about it. Not a good look, my man.

Anyway – pacing. Gosh…movies made in 2010 are so chill. I’m not having a hard time following the pace of this. 

There’s no unnecessary background music blasting through every sliver of silence. Characters aren’t racing through lines like the planet is about to run out of oxygen

Gru is a portly fellow, but he’s nimble and athletic. Lovely!

So Gru and the kiddos are at an amusement park riding roller coasters. And this has me thinking. 

You know one of my most favoritest things about being a grownup?

No one judges you for hating sensory nightmares amusement park rides! I never, ever, ever have to go on a roller coaster for the rest of my life!

ADULTHOOD ROCKS

Oh no! The bank loan officer has denied Gru a loan because of his age.

They’re going with a younger villain because of AGEISM. Well, well, well. How does it FEEL to be on the other side, Gru?! Huh? HUH?!

And now they have no money to get to the moon to steal and hold it for ransom, or colonize, or strip mine, or whatever evil shit white folks are doing to land these days!

But not to worry because apparently Gru has enough physical assets to just sell all the stuff he has and crowdfund among the minions.

(Welp that was a simple resolution)

Oh but wait! It wasn’t just ageism! The bank loan officer is the DAD of the young up and coming villain competing for the loan! 

Not ageism. NEPOTISM!

So we’re almost done with the movie, and so far all I know about these three foster kids is there’s a cute one, a blonde one, and an old one. They really don’t have any personalities or wants, other than ‘be adopted.’

It’s actually kind of relaxing to watch a movie where they just don’t even question whether they should depict BIPOC in the movies. Everyone is white, and we don’t have to wonder if the representation is accurate or problematic. We have low expectations of these folks because, well, this is a 2010 American Movie and WHO can blame Hollywood for thinking racism is over – we had a Black President!

Like no one paused when writing this movie to be like “wait everyone in this movie is white and abled and the girls are just accessories to men – should we do anything about this?”

If we had anywhere near decent representation, I would be totally cool with movies where EVERYONE is white. If only we had anywhere near a fraction where everyone isn’t. Or even if the movies made by and for white folks were less… oblivious? And like, dealt with their whiteness in less toxic ways?

But alas, not every movie can be the Sword in the Stone.

What a nicely forgettable and uncomplicated movie. Low expectations and met the super low bar we set for it. But also not enough minions.

Oh but wait, hey – apparently all the minions are voiced by a Indonesian French voice actor.

The Asian dude is all the Minions.

Ahem.

The ASIAN DUDE IS ALL THE YELLOW PEOPLE.

> THIS IS DIVERSITY <

j/k he’s also the director. 

Although I wonder now – if they don’t have the ‘yellow’ as an Asian slur in France? And honestly now I’m pretty disappointed because how often do we get a BIPOC in a position of power and then they just whitewash everything anyway?

If I’m gonna be honest though – my expectations for Asian men are roughly the same as for white men. The bar is so very low.