Home Book Analysis Stop Lying To Your Kids – Teaching Kids About White Supremacy

Stop Lying To Your Kids – Teaching Kids About White Supremacy

Maker Spotlight with Anastasia Higginbotham

via Anastasia Higginbotham
Published: Last Updated on

[Image description: A mixed-media collage featuring a white child looking pained with a ripped blue heart shape over their chest. Next to them, text reads: “But connecting means opening. And opening sometimes feels…like breaking.” From Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness, by Anastasia Higginbotham.]

The following text is excerpted from my interview with Anastasia Higginbotham. All images in this post are her intellectual property, and are used with permission. FTC Disclosure: Dottir Press sent me a free review copy of Not My Idea in hopes I’d like it (AND I DO!) – Ashia

Books For Littles(BFL) is free and accessible for readers who can’t afford a paywall. Posts may contain affiliate links, which allow me to earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Check out the full affiliate disclosure along with the BFL statement of accountability.

“What’s deadly…

…and I do mean deadly, is when we let racism be about someone else.


When white parents speak of racism as someone else’s problem – that all we can do is ‘sympathize’ or ‘offer support,’ this is harmful.


Imagine a husband saying his wife has a problem with domestic violence, ‘She keeps getting beaten. She tries and tries, but the fist keeps landing on her.’


Whose fist??? If you stop beating her, one of her problems is solved immediately. She still has the trauma of your violence, the mistrust, and the fact that no place on earth feels safe. But you could stop actively punching her, you know?


Now. Do it now.

Maker Spotlight: An Interview With Anastasia Higginbotham

Author, Social Justice Advocate, Artist & Mother

Boy with light brown skin listens to the words 'We have something to tell you."

Spread from ‘Divorce Is The Worst’ by Anastasia Higginbotham

[Image description: A mixed-media collage featuring a child with light brown skin drinking milk. From off the page, someone says “We have something to tell you.” From Divorce Is The Worst, by Anastasia Higginbotham.]

Blunder on!

When white parents are like ‘I don’t know what to do,’ and ‘I don’t want to get it wrong,’ that’s a  helpless starting place and inhibits our growth. Blunder on!


But here’s something that has to happen for it to work: Your heart has to break. It has to.


Learning the truth about how we have upheld white supremacy is heartbreaking. When I think of how much damage I’ve done I don’t feel guilty, I feel sick. In my gut.


When I’m sick, what do I do? I study and try to understand my illness so I can heal. I try to find the best medicine and take it as directed until I see improvement. Education is medicine. Community is medicine. The truths that Black and Brown people have been telling us for centuries are medicine. Side effects include: pain, heartbreak, and an incredible urge to love everyone a lot more. Let’s do this for ourselves, for each other and with each other as white people.



Racism was programmed into you without your consent.

Be mad about that. You never agreed to carry it forward.


We should be furious at the lies we’ve been made to believe, the education we’ve been denied, the ways we’ve been manipulated—paid off, basically, to keep quiet. Living under white supremacy is soul-crushing and has us as accomplices to genocide and mass murder 24/7.


You can be white without signing on to whiteness.


Civil rights activists

Spread from ‘Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness’ by Anastasia Higginbotham

[Image description: A mixed-media collage featuring Black and White American civil rights activists. From Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness, by Anastasia Higginbotham.]

This moment is the chance of a lifetime

You have an invitation to be part of something that transforms and heals the world. Dismantling white supremacy is joyful, heart-expanding work. It’s also delicate, highly technical work that’s satisfying to get good at.


We get to shut down white supremacy. Imagine how that will feel! We can ground ourselves in a love for justice, and the truth will come into focus. We can model that kind of fierce love and courage for our kids.


Kids love playing spy. Be a spy, man.


Catch whiteness lying to you and your friends. Catch it stealing your soul. Catch it doing wrong. We have to find out how bad it hurts us to collude with white supremacy—then we get to find out how good it feels to give that up. As DeRay Mckesson, says: ‘Watch whiteness work.’

More books you might like: Books About Resistance for Courageous Kids


The shootings keep me up at night

As a parent of white sons in the U.S., my challenge is to counteract a culture that is non-stop shouting lies at them all the time about their superiority and importance above everyone else. My work is to show them the lies without diminishing or degrading them.


Also I’m aware they might experience a mass shooting here, and they or their friends or family members might be killed in that way.


I stay up wondering does everyone know how much I love them? Am I showing it as well as telling it? Am I feeding the channels that feed the people who need it — whether the need is love, or shelter, or justice, or sanctuary, or acceptance, or all of these?


There’s a chance to do some good here.


paper collage in progress about racial justice

Spread from ‘Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness’ by Anastasia Higginbotham

[Image description: Pages from Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness, in progress on a cutting mat. Text on the pages reads: “Go with your instincts on this one. Racial justice is possible. But only if we’re honest with each other and ourselves.”]

None of this is okay

My series is different because it doesn’t solve problems or explain life in a way that makes things right in the end. It says, ‘Yeah, none of this is okay, but it’s happening anyway. How are you? What’s this like for you?’ That’s different—and can be threatening.


Parenting is stressful and we want to be lied to a little: ‘Tell my kids they’re safe.’


But I really disliked being lied to as a child. I want kids ready and empowered to stand in the truth of their own lives. That’s as safe as it gets.


Each book in the Ordinary Terrible Things series starts in a moment of everyday crisis: your parents just told you about the divorce, a loved one has died, your search for answers about sex has left you bewildered and full of shame. I center the child there and let them walk through it. The child gets nourished along the way, whether by nature, a therapist, an attuned parent, or straight-talking grandmother.


The narrator’s job is to let the whole situation be how it is and bring compassion.


Watch how this kid pulls together the very resources they need to be okay, for now. It’s not meant to teach but to show: You are already doing this. Those wild feelings you’re having, the short temper, the ruined sleep, and no concentration???


That’s your wisdom showing itself to you, making you listen. You were born with that. Pay attention.

From The Ordinary Terrible Things Series

Does your community offer books to help kids navigate difficult situations? If not, donate a book to your local school or library.

Because I’ve got my own ignorant spots to deal with, I made assumptions on the gender of her characters. I was delighted to be corrected by Anastasia – these characters are non-binary. Captions are for when my kids (or BFL readers) were able to get the gist of the book, but the official age range for most of these books is 8+. Click here to check out our discussion on Tell Me About Sex, Grandma in the BFL Facebook group thread on sex education.  – Ashia

[Image Descriptions: Cover images from: Not My Idea, Tell Me About Sex, Grandma, Death Is Stupid, and Divorce Is The Worst.]

Ages 5.5+

Ages 3.5+

Ages 5+

Ages 4+

Video Description: A 53-second behind-the-scenes video set to gentle, hopeful music. Anastasia’s workspace is covered in bits of wire, ribbon, paper, glue, magazines, and cutting tools. She assembles pages from Not My Idea. The video ends with the text “Racism was not your idea. You don’t need to defend it. / NOT MY IDEA by Anastasia Higginbotham April 2018.”

When grown ups try to hide scary things from kids…it’s usually because they’re scared too.

‘Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness’

Not My Idea is a book for white children of open-minded white parents who have been misled – as I was – into believing racial justice is going to happen eventually, like it’s all going to work out somehow.


I want to shake us free from our delusions and call us into community. This book is a tool for white people to circle up, read and educate ourselves, talk it out, cry, and fight it out too.


That was the original idea—but I am now surprised to find that Black and Brown people use the book with Black and Brown children. This reveals another layer of my ignorance. I believed that Black and Brown people already know everything about race, and it’s only the white people who are confused.


While white people are confused about forces of white supremacy working through us, Black and Brown people are confused (and traumatized and exhausted) by navigating systems of oppression—including white people like me and my kids who don’t always know when we’re doing it.


We all need to to learn how to see white supremacy where it lurks (in us!) so we can weaken its control over us.

An adult and child hug with backs to viewer

Page from ‘Death Is Stupid’ by Anastasia Higginbotham

Our responsibility is to make it look easy because it is easy.

Not easy in the sense of ‘it’s easy to fix this’ – it’s not.


But it’s easy to care about, easy to be stirred up. Once you really care about something, change comes easier.


It’s important for everyone with influence and an an audience to focus on racial justice, infuse it into everything. Small business, big corporation. Every industry. Everybody has impact on someone or some little piece of the world, which means everybody could have a positive and healing, transformative impact.

Excerpted from an interview with Anastasia Higginbotham via Dottir Press.

Anastasia credits the Black women who fired her understanding of how to dismantle white supremacy: Noleca Anderson Radway, Executive Director of the Brooklyn Free School; Reverend angel Kyodo williams, Zen priest and co-author of Radical Dharma: Talking Race, Love, and Liberation; Anyanwu Uwa, Co-Founder & Executive Director of The Human Root, and The Black Lives Matter Movement.

Stay Curious, Stand Brave & Tell Your Kids The Truth

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4 observations

Deana Lew July 26, 2018 - 10:21 AM

Hi Aisha,
I met you at the NPS Race and Achievement Institute and have been really loving your blog! I hope all is well with you and your family. At the institute, and in one of your posts, you mentioned different criteria you use for analyzing books — something along the lines of non-stigmatizing, normalizing, I have forgotten the other two. I found this to be a very useful rubric, but I can’t find the post or remember all of the categories. Can you either point me to the post or share a resource or post this criteria right on the homepage?

Thanks so much! I have bought several of your recommendations


Ashia July 26, 2018 - 10:55 PM

Hi Deana!

That’s a good point – I should probably expand on those as a resource for the website. I usually touch on them during speaking engagements, but as a quick reference, here are the overlapping categories I use:

– Normalizing (expanded in The Uhura test over here: https://booksforlittles.com/girls-of-color-normalizing/)

– Destigmatizing (expanded in Destigmatizing Disability, here: https://booksforlittles.com/disability-destigmatization/)

– Validating (here’s an example of validating books in Validating Stories For Self-Acceptance here: https://booksforlittles.com/misfits/)


– Problematic – Reinforcing stereotypes and such. In my more complex posts, I usually list these at the bottom, like in 6 Mistakes We Make Raising Sons: Preventing Sexual Assault, over here: https://booksforlittles.com/toxic-masculinity/

Almost all books will fit into at least one of these categories (most overlap), and many books that are validating for some readers could be problematic without the right background experience. And so on.

Hope that helps!

J C Bogey June 9, 2021 - 12:30 PM

I don’t believe kindergarten age kids , if your 5 yr old is having problems sleeping due to seeing shootings on the news, maybe the problem is with parenting. There is a time and place for race discussions with children, but I would never allow my 5 yr old grand kids to be exposed to videos of police shootings. I also have issues with the premise that this is a “System wide problem”. As a businessman, if I were to decline business to a certain class of people based on Race, Religion, or any other discriminatory factor, I would be shooting myself in the foot. I am sure this problem exists, but not in any business circles I have engaged with over the last 25 years. My idea of racial justice is everyone deserves and we should demand Equal Opportunity for all, yet this does not mean we should expect Equal Outcomes.
One other issue I noted, any video I found on YouTube supporting this book has its comments disabled, could this be due to not being open to an honest debate?

Ashia July 25, 2021 - 6:09 PM

Must be nice to live in a world where shootings and active shooter drills only happen in the news.

Parents today, imagine that life! Remember elementary school in the early 90’s, before our schools had mandatory active shooter drills, armed police at the doors? I imagine there are still some utopia-esque communities left where the implied threat of gun violence and swastikas on school walls isn’t a regular occurence. Given the stories from our members, I haven’t heard of any that have escaped unscathed from trolls and white supremacists. Must be DELIGHTFUL to live in that little bubble, though.

Must *also* be nice to be a person, ahem *businessman* on the internet who isn’t so beset with trolls and ‘the shit you live through doesn’t happen to me, so it must not exist’ comments, that you don’t know why BIWOC are forced to disable comments to cut down on threats of violence and rape from rando strangers who get all huffy about us sharing what we know on the internet.

And it must be LOVELY to skate through life without once having trashdude who’s been raised to define his masculinity with guns and violence against women pointing a gun at you and pulling the trigger. That moment when you go from ‘someone who has never had a gun pointed at them’ to ‘a person who still has flashbacks to that moment.’ That’s a sensory memory that never leaves you, not ever.

Imagine going through life without losing a single family member or friend whose life has never been destroyed and devastated by some shitheel with a gun and a few bullets. IMAGINE THAT.

And then imagine sharing about all of this pain and horror so you can try to connect and heal together with others in the same boat. And then having some oblivious bloated trashbag be like ‘it must be your PARENTING that is the problem, not the PEOPLE AIMING GUNS AT YOU.’


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